Endymion
by Daelan
Summary: [[WIP: Chapter Two up]] SephirothCloud, ZackAeris. A semiAU [refer to AN in first chapter] epistolary novella. 'There's always a smile somewhere you'll want to protect.'
1. Solacium

_A/N: **Please read the following!**_

Okay, so this is a semi-AU taking place pre-Nibelheim, covering the time when Cloud first came to Midgar up until just before the platoon leaves for the Nibelheim mission. I'm planning for this to be a trilogy, but I'm having some trouble with the next two parts, so you'll have to wait for that.

The most fundamental change I have made to this universe, despite all evidence to the contrary, is to do with Sephiroth. I maintain that the Nibelheim disaster occurred because he didn't have any parental figures in his life Hojo does NOT count when he was growing up. Certain other major changes have been made, such as making Cloud stronger as a cadet than he really was, but these are all geared towards the one huge change I want to make that makes this AU an AU. What that is... I'm not telling. But read this AN and read the fic and it's pretty obvious in the end.

That said, I hope you'll forgive the OOC. It needed to be done to make things turn out the way I needed them to. Chalk some of Cloud's skill up to being personally trained by Zack as far as I can tell, he didn't do that in the original storyline and the rest of it up to luck/author's license. grins

This fic is also posted on soera.l ivejournal.c om. Just take out the spaces to have a look at that journal; there are other works up there as well.

Enjoy!

**Endymion **

Part One: Solacium

"There's always a smile somewhere that you'll want to protect. Some people have huge desires… they want to protect lots of people, mountains of them. They want to protect the place they grew up and the people they love. Then there are those who are selfish and want only to protect themselves, but even those people have a smile they want to protect; their own.

"Of course, most people aren't quite that self-centred. It's not my smile I want to protect, but yours. It is for that reason that I want to become a Soldier. I'll be able to look after you if I do, you see. I know it's hard for you to hold down a job, and I hope this latest one works out better for you. You've always been better accepted in Nibelheim, maybe because you're a woman, maybe because you're not his son. People don't like me as much though, so it'll be better for you if I'm not there. If people forget about me, they might be nicer to you… or so I hope.

"I'm aware that this is a huge decision to make. But I've really, honestly thought about it, and it's a decision that I've made with a rational mind. I know what I'm getting myself into, and I'm prepared for it. Undoubtedly, it will be hard, and there's no assurance that I can even make it into Soldier. But even if I don't, as a private, my next of kin will be given a stipend. Even in the event of my death – and please don't cry at that; it's a fact of life – you'll be cared for. That's what's important to me.

"I'm sad that I won't be able to see your smile for ages, if ever again, but I still want to protect it. I hope you understand, mother."

--

Dear Mother,

Well, I've arrived in Midgar and have been enrolled into ShinRa's military. I have the distinct feeling I've just sold my soul to them, but it doesn't really matter in the end. We all sell our souls to someone, somewhere down the line. When it comes down to it, at least ShinRa won't completely destroy it… I think.

The truth is that I was absolutely miserable there, of course. The only thing good about my days was seeing you. But you must have noticed that I had no friends, and that I garnered far too many bruises to have acquired them merely stumbling. (If you didn't know and this is news to you, I'm sorry.) But the fact remains I was not well-liked there.

Within a day of arriving here, mother, I've made a friend. I'm acquainted with all my squad and bunkmates, of course, but I'm talking about someone called Reno. He's a couple of years older than me, and has been in the course for a year already. That means he'll probably graduate next year. He's good, and I've no doubt he'll make at least Captain, when the next rankings are held.

I've also seen General Sephiroth. He's every bit as imposing and beautiful in real life as he is on all the posters we've seen. If a tiny place like Nibelheim has heard of him, you know he must be famous, but it wasn't until I arrived here that I realised just how much in awe people hold him. I think it must be an awfully lonely life, don't you? I saw him walking down the hall the other day and when people saw him, they literally stopped in their tracks to stare. They stopped in the middle of their sentences and just gawked at him until he was out of sight. I would hate that kind of attention if I were him. Though of course, that's me. Maybe he's the sort of person who thrives on attention, I wouldn't know. But he did seem very… sad, I think is the word I'm looking for. But don't tell anyone I said that!

Well, early morning tomorrow. I have to be up at five for P.T. – physical training – so I suppose I should close this letter here. I do hope to hear from you soon, mother.

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

General Sephiroth spoke to my class today. It's not something he does often, apparently, so Captain Jackson (our instructor) was quite surprised when he showed up. Still, he recovered admirably quickly and introduced us all. The rest of my bunkmates are, as I'm writing this, discussing the meeting avidly. "He's damn powerful, you can tell just looking at him," is what one of them has just said. I wonder if anyone noticed his eyes? They seemed so awfully lonely to me.

Or maybe I'm romanticising him too much. It's possible, I suppose, but I don't think I'm misreading what I see.

General Sephiroth brought with him one of his lieutenants as well, a man named Zachary. He's an interesting person, I must say; very energetic, friendly and almost… vivacious, I suppose. He's so full of life and happiness, and yet you wouldn't mistake him for anything other than a Soldier First Class, which is what he is. He's apparently one of General Sephiroth's most trusted lieutenants, as well as the person who is always assigned to guard duty whenever General Sephiroth must make a public appearance. You would think that someone as powerful as he is wouldn't need guards, but nonetheless, appearances must be maintained.

Zachary seems the kind of guy you would get if you took one of the boys back home, took out the mean-ness, threw in a slap of Reno and a good dose of motherliness. He's a worse mother hen than you are, and at least you have the excuse of actually being a mother. I rather like him, actually. He was very solicitous of us, certainly more kind than General Sephiroth's rather… impersonal speech was. I couldn't help but feel a little chilled every time those pale, icy eyes came to rest on me – and I'm talking about the General there, of course, not Zachary.

And despite it all, I still think that the General would make a brilliant friend, if only he wasn't so very out of reach. Reno, I've decided, isn't the sort of person I could really be friends with. We're on good terms, but he's a lot more gregarious than I am. There he is now, in the middle of a group, all talking away about today's training, while I sit here writing a letter to you. The thing is, I prefer the quiet and solitude, and he could never sit still for a minute without complaining. So you see, if Reno, Zachary and the General were all just normal privates like me (which Reno almost is and the other two were a very, very long time ago) then I think I would get along best with the General. Except then he'd just be Sephiroth, which he will never be now. It's a pity, really.

So I'm scouting around for a sparring partner now. We've done a preliminary test of all the different weapons that ShinRa uses, to get a feel for what we like the best. Reno likes fighting with staffs and nightsticks and has been specialising in them for a while now. I personally prefer swords; there's something a lot more personal and intimate about fighting with a sword. It's also a lot easier to control what you want to do to a person when you use a sword, as opposed to say, a gun. Or maybe that's just me, but I'm definitely going to specialise in swords hereon. That was what the trials were for, of course. So Reno and I will be split up, and I need to find someone who will be doing swords as well, to spar with me.

Truthfully, I'd love to wield a sword like the one that Zachary has. He's obviously got the build to use it, and I don't. But that's something I'm sure I can remedy. My body has chosen this time to shoot up, so I'm no longer quite the little boy you remember. I'll try and have a photo taken sometime to send you. I've been working out at the gym every moment I can, so I've gotten a bit more built up. I still don't think it's enough to wield the Buster Blade, though.

And that's the name of Zachary's weapon. I actually got up the courage to ask him, after the General had given his speech, and Zachary was just wandering around the class. We were practising our individual katas and I was just getting a drink of water when he came over and said hi to me (he said hi to everyone – you see what I mean about friendly?) and that was when I asked. It's a beauty of a sword, about the width of three arms, I'd guess. It's almost as tall as he is, and he wears it strapped to his back. There are the slots for Materia, of course, and he claims that it's capable of stopping even bullets.

This letter is getting rather long, so I think I will close here. I miss you dreadfully, and your wonderful home-made apple strudel almost as much. You wouldn't believe the kind of rot they pass off as food here. I'm almost tempted to take over the kitchens myself – I almost miss the days you sat me down and made me learn how to cook!

Love,

Cloud

--

"Another tape, Mother, like the very first time I ever sent you anything from Midgar. I never apologised about that, did I? It must have been a dreadful way to learn that your only son had run off to some far-off city to become a soldier. In any case, I apologise now, since I've thought of it.

"You'll hear the wind in the background and the lovely music of crickets chirping, perhaps. They're not testament to my wonderful abilities as a narrator, I should hope. Rather, it's because I'm outside at the moment. It's nearing eleven at night now, and just about all my squad and bunkmates are out partying. In other words, we have the next week off, and everyone's taking full advantage of it. Rather than getting drunk – and I'm not legal for that anyway, though that didn't seem to deter the others – I thought I'd just take a book out here to read. I'm not sure why I grabbed the tape recorder then, but I'm glad I did. It's too dark to read now, so I'm sitting here looking at the sky and the light from the buildings and speaking to you. Or to the tape recorder, but I can imagine it's you.

"You can't see the stars from here, mother. It's sad, really. Remember how you used to tell me to count the stars when I couldn't sleep? Most people count sheep, I think… but stars have always seemed a more attractive alternative to me. Besides, with my insomnia I'd count sheep, name them, invent life stories for them, watch their offspring grow up and I still wouldn't be able to sleep. But I'd never run out of stars to count.

"It's at times like this that I miss Nibelheim the most, I think. I don't think about it so much even though it's so different here all the time. Nibelheim is tiny, there's no escaping that fact, and I felt like some wannabe country hick when I first arrived here. Midgar is huge and so noisy and crowded and polluted that I immediately wanted to run home to my mountain ranges. Oh, not mine, not really, but they might as well have been, for all the time I spent exploring them. But anyway, I don't miss Nibelheim that much anymore. Just when I think of the stars, and of you.

"I hope you're doing better now, mother. You mentioned in your last letter that you've found a new job at the inn? Good on you then. I don't think Tifa's father will be too fond of you though, by simple association. He detests me, hateful demon spawn that I am, so he might take it out on you. Be careful.

"I hate the way people categorise me. You, mother, at least you came from Nibelheim originally. They couldn't quite forgive you for leaving and marrying an outsider, but at least you were originally one of them, so your sins weren't quite as bad. Me? I was the product of an outsider, half an outcast, half unwanted. So they poured all their loathing onto me. Nibelheim is probably even more xenophobic than Wutai is, but as the target of such hatred, I…

"I'm sorry, I sounded bitter there. I'd erase it, but it's too dark to even see the buttons on the tape recorder, so I won't try. And anyway, you always said you wanted me to be honest with you, right? I don't know very many children who would be this close to their mothers, but I think it's because you insisted on that honesty. Because you never hid anything from me, always explained everything to me, because you always took me seriously even when I was three and whimpering about a monster in the closet. Did I ever do that?

"I think I should get back inside now. I'll write when I can."

--

Dear Mother,

Of all the embarrassing things that could have happened! As it turns out, General Sephiroth was out that night I recorded that last message to you. Now, pull out the tape and play it back and you'll see why I'm still red even now. I know I said some things in that tape I didn't want people here to know, about Nibelheim and all.

But he's been brilliant about it, really. Actually, he waylaid me on my way back to the dorms after showering. Perfect timing, really; there was no one else there. And he apologised about overhearing everything. The only reason I even decided to make the recording there was because I thought there was no one else around. He realised that, I think, and was actually sorry that he'd intruded on a private moment. It wasn't his fault, of course, and I told him that – it's hardly his fault if I decided to be a dolt and make a recording like that out in the open. But still, I think I'll be sticking to letters as much as I can from now on.

If you don't mind, mother, I'd like to talk a bit more about General Sephiroth. I'm sure you remember what I last wrote about him. About how sad and lonely he seemed to me, and how I seemed to be the only person who saw him that way. Well, after today I'm more convinced than ever about that. The whole time he was speaking to me, he had his eyes locked on mine – unflinching and straightforward, and yet, so cold. Not the kind of cold that turns your eyes to ice because you're really an unfeeling bastard, but the kind of cold that turns you glacial because you don't want people to know that you can feel. There's a difference, but I don't think people really see that. In any case, his is the latter, as I said. He feels, maybe too much, and he doesn't want anyone to know that he does.

I wonder why he feels the need to hide like that… I have a feeling that it goes beyond the impartiality and confidence he must exude, as a General. It's as if there is a particular person that he is trying to keep away from him. There are rumours about him, of course, endless rumours, but I don't believe any of them. I won't believe them unless he tells me they're true himself. But I can very easily believe that he's been hurt before, repeatedly.

If he and I were of equal rank, I would love to introduce him to you. Heaven knows you've given me enough love. I'm sure you could spare a little for him, and I don't think he's ever had anyone mother him before. You'd have him worshipping you in no time.

And that's what I've been trying to lead up to. Don't call it hero-worship, mother, because it's not. But I have another reason for wanting to make Soldier First Class now, beyond the monetary. They may get paid the most (and therefore you will be most comfortable) but they are also the people who come into contact with General Sephiroth the most. They are just about the only ones who have any influence with him, beyond the corporate big-wigs here at ShinRa. He couldn't possibly be a private, to be on equal standing with me, but I'm determined to rise to at least Zachary's level, so I can be closer to him.

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Thank you for understanding. Your support means everything to me, I think you know that. If you'd sent me an angry, tearful missive that first time, I would have come home. I think you know that too. You're capable of understanding people, mother, and that's one of the things I envy about you. No matter the type of person, you've got the measure of them within a minute of meeting them. I can't really do that, myself.

Zachary showed up at another training session today, sans the General. He seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time staring at me (though all my bunkmates claim that he was looking at them), which made me more than a little uncomfortable. I think the General might have mentioned me to him, and I don't know what he said, exactly. Not knowing is killing me. You know my complete lack of patience with secrets that involve me.

Surprise birthday parties would probably never sit well with me. At any rate, I liked our private little celebrations at home much more than any huge bash that my bunkmates could possibly describe.

In your last letter, you asked if I'd found a sparring partner. The answer is, unfortunately, no. The good news, however, is that few people have found permanent partners. The rest of us who haven't simply rotate every lesson, and that's giving me a good look at lots of interesting techniques. Still, our instructors want us to find a permanent partner soon, since we'll be working on pair-work soon. I'm thinking I'll ask Holt. He's not in my dorm, but he's a decent sort, from what I've seen of him during lessons. The rather shy, unobtrusive sort. We should get along fine.

It has been a day since I wrote the above, and I thought I'd write a bit more before posting this off.

I think I do feel the beginnings of hero-worship now, as far as General Sephiroth is concerned. Today, all the new recruits got to see him in action. It's one thing to watch movies of him fighting, and quite another to see him best three Soldiers (First Class, no less) without even breaking a sweat. He certainly deserves his title. I don't think I could ever reach that level of skill. He possesses a terrifying amount of it. So yes: hello, hero-worship.

He's a brilliant fighter, and yet I think he hates killing. What an odd paradox in a soldier – in _the_ Soldier.

Must run to make the post now. I'll write again later.

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Remember what I said about you always having the measure of people, no matter what they were like? I reiterate that statement. Reading over your last letter to me, I'm positive that you're right on every count. It's sad to think of though, isn't it? And yet everything about General Sephiroth lends itself to such sadness. His skin seems so very easy to break. Is it odd, that I should see someone so powerful as fragile?

And that's it for the serious stuff. Today I will write about inconsequential things, because I'm far too tired to indulge in any philosophical thoughts. In fact, I'm almost too tired to write, and I'd like very much to get some sleep, but I won't be able to – my bunkmates are making too much of a racket. Why? Well, besides the fact that they're all exuberant youngsters (I feel older than them sometimes), tomorrow's another day off for us. Since we don't have to be up early tomorrow, they've decided to stay up late today. I rather suspect someone will come in soon to tell them to shut up.

I forgot to thank you for sending the strudel. You needn't have been afraid about it not staying fresh. Post to and fro the military is given priority, so it got here within the day, even though it was sent from Nibelheim. It was fresh enough and I borrowed the kitchen facilities to heat it up a little. I shared it with my bunkmates – there was just enough to go around – and you now have new converts to your cooking. They're all plotting to come around to Nibelheim sometime so that they can have more of your cooking. Fasten the hatches, mother, you're about to be besieged.

I also gave a little to Zachary, for himself and for General Sephiroth. I'm not sure I should have done the latter, but what's done is done, I suppose. Oddly enough, Zachary's been making a few overtures of friendship towards me. I don't quite understand why he'd want to be friends with a private, but he's a nice enough person that I don't mind. I may not be able to read people as well as you, mother, but I know that I can tell whether a person's good once I see them.

I saw Professor Hojo in the corridors yesterday. I didn't even speak to him, just saluted… and yet he made me feel so cold. Not the way General Sephiroth does. His was a kind of cruelty and vindictive pettiness I've never before encountered in anyone else.

But I don't think I'll ever have to be in direct contact with him… until I make Soldier (if ever). That possibility scares me. That I'd have to let him inject me with mako…

It does no good to dwell on what may not come to pass, as you always tell me. So I'll try and forget it for now. Besides, I said I'd stick to light-hearted topics, didn't I?

What's light-hearted? Reno has just managed to get everyone laughing with one of his stories. I'm not sure what it was, and I'm not sure I want to know. His stories tend to be rather ribald at times. He says he grew up on the streets of Midgar, and no one ever bothered to teach him manners. The others seem to appreciate his sense of humour. What I appreciate most about him, really, is his sense of loyalty. He's rather like a dog in that respect. Completely bull-headed about loyalty to someone, once they've earned it.

Oh, you asked about my bunkmates. Well, there are ten of us to each dorm, so I share the dorm with nine rather rowdy young men. I'm the smallest of the lot, even if I've grown a lot since I arrived here. The biggest is someone affectionately known as Hulk amongst us – his real name's Benny. I come up to about chest-height on him. He's really built as well. No problems lifting the Buster Blade, but he'd probably chop off his own foot with it. He's actually specialising in guns, and he's getting to be an amazing sharpshooter.

Reno, you already know of. He's a redhead, and he's got a redhead's temper, too. I write that because now he's yelling at someone – Ramelhorf, I think – about… ah, I see. Ram tore his pillow. I was wondering where the cotton came from. Reno'll have to go request another pillow, and good luck to him explaining where the other one went to. Ramelhorf, by the way, is from Gongaga, where Zachary also came from. He says that Zachary's the one he wants to be like, not the General. The other boys rag him to no end about it, but I think Zachary's a brilliant role model to have. So Ram rather likes me because I'm the only one who supports him in that. He's a rather loud sort, though, so I'm not too close to him.

Then there's Cadence, who's always made fun of for his name. Cadet Cadence has a ring to it, all right, but people always make fun of him for it. Our dorm's gotten pretty fond of him though, so we always stick up for him whenever someone tries to insult him in front of us. He brings quiet to a new level; barely ever talks. It's easy to forget he's there sometimes, he's got such an unassuming presence. It doesn't help he's the next smallest in the dorm, after me.

I'd write more, but my eyes are really falling shut of their own accord and I'm not even sure you'll be able to read my handwriting at this point. I think I'm tired enough now I'll be able to sleep even through the noise, so I'll close here.

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Just a quick note to tell you that I'll be away on a training exercise for a month. You can still write if you want to, but don't expect a reply from me within the next five weeks.

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Can we say fiasco? Oh, my team held up pretty well, I thought. But that was only because we didn't _all_ need to be sent to the infirmary. Some of the other teams – they all had to be carried off the field. So much for a training exercise. It was more like a massacre, minus the gore.

Start a story at the beginning, that's what you always said, right? Let me try that again then. The exercise was purportedly to teach us how to think on our feet in a simulated battle. It's different fighting in a battle than when you're going through pre-scripted katas, of course, so you can see the need for exercises like this one. What they did, was have us split into five teams. The instructors made up the sixth team – they, along with two other teams, would be the enemy. The other three teams (which was where I was) were to be ShinRa military, fighting them off. On top of that, we were put into battle conditions. In other words, it was a field exercise and we had to expect ambushes and all that sort of thing. It was up to us to decide how and when to attack.

Obviously the other two teams had a bit of an advantage, since they had the instructors on their side. But the instructors only stepped in whenever someone from one of those teams had been disabled, so it wasn't too bad. Or it wouldn't have been, had there not been three Soldiers on the instructor's team! No sooner did we take out one of the opposing team than we were cut down. We might as well have rolled over and played dead. And the Soldiers aren't like the instructors; they don't pull their blows. Just blocking their swords was horribly painful, and my muscles are still protesting. That, there, is why some people had to be carted off the field.

In any case, the three "ShinRa" teams managed to eliminate the other two teams completely, before the instructors' team decided to wallop us a good one. By that time we only had about six people left, including me, and all of us were already tired. I'm pleased to report that I lasted the longest, but even then… I only lasted about three minutes against the Soldier I fought. I couldn't even get on an offensive against him, he had me constantly defending. The skills that Soldiers possess honestly leave me in complete awe, mother. I'm not sure I'll _ever_ reach that level.

But let's not dwell on that. It might have been a massacre, but it was a great learning experience. We have the next two days off to recover, and for once I don't think anyone's thinking of partying. We're too busy nursing our bruised egos and bodies. And speaking of which, my arm aches terribly now, so I'll close here.

Love,  
Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Zachary asked me today if I'd like to spar with him sometime. My response probably wasn't the most elegant I could have given – I spat my water out onto my food. Well, he shouldn't have asked something so very ridiculous when I was eating, I say. The others were just staring at me and him alternately. I don't think any of us were expecting that request, least of all me!

Well, when I finally managed to recover enough to ask him what he was smoking, he said that he was perfectly serious. I hadn't really paid attention to the fights at the end of the training exercise – remember, I told you about that last time? I was sort of preoccupied with the Soldier I was fighting. As it turned out, that Soldier was First Class, the only one on the instructors' team. According to Zachary (he told me this later in private), most of the privates just about keeled over and died once they were attacked by the other Soldiers (all Second Class). The fact that I was able to defend for a few minutes before I slipped up apparently caught the Soldiers' attention, and they mentioned me to Zachary. So now he wants to see what I'm really made of, in his words.

I was tempted to reply that I'm made up of much the same anyone else is – cells. But you'll be proud to know I refrained. The way he phrased it, it was an order pretending to be a request. So we've fixed a date for next week for us to spar.

I'm fully expecting him to mop the floor with me in two seconds flat, what do you think?

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Well, I did it! I sparred against Zachary! I took your advice and tried to think positive, but about all I'd managed by the time of the fight was promise myself that he'd have to fight to take me down. I think I managed that, a little. He wasn't fighting at his full capacity, I don't think, but he did take a while to break through my defence. I even managed to go on the offensive once; but after that he stepped up his attacks, took back control and forced me on defence again. That was when he became a little more serious about the fight, and started really showing me just why he's a Soldier First Class. After that I only lasted a minute or so before he managed to quite neatly rid me of my sword.

I take pleasure in the fact that he was slightly winded at the end of the spar. Not noticeably, of course, but even he admitted to me that it was a decent workout. Not long enough, he says, and he also says that I need to bulk up more. He spent the next hour or so telling me everything I did wrong, everything I did right, and how I could improve on both. Apparently the way I handle a sword's fairly decent, but if I got a bit more muscle on me, I'd have the strength to follow up on my attacks. So it's back to the gym now for me, except this time, Zachary insists on overseeing my regime. He says he's going to start me on pumping weights, which I've not done before. Privates aren't supposed to, unless spotted by someone at least Sergeant rank and above; and I haven't exactly asked any of them to do that.

This is a good thing, I think. Zachary said that I'm actually ahead of my class. I'm almost afraid I'll get a swollen head, but then I think of the way the Soldiers fought, and I think of the way that General Sephiroth fought, and I know I'm so far from that level it's not even funny. So no danger of my ego inflating too much, but I'm really glad that Zachary's taken such an interest in me. He's proven to be a great friend (his sense of humour's a lot better than Reno's, I think) and now he'll be a great instructor as well, I'll bet.

I think I actually benefit when I'm being taught by someone who _doesn't _pull their blows. When the instructors do, I don't really get a feel for what that kind of a strike can do, you see. Half of how I learn is by mimicking the instructors, and if they're always striking at half-force, I'll never know how to hit full-force. Zachary has no such compunctions – every shot he throws at me is full-force, as I found out during our spar. He wasn't using his best moves, but what he was using, he did at full strength. My arms can attest to that; they were quivering just a couple of minutes in.

Oh! Zachary said that he loved your strudel, by the way. He sent his thanks and said he was only sorry the portion wasn't larger. He also claims that the General liked the strudel, but he refused to meet my eyes when he said that, so I'm not sure how accurate that is. I can't conceive of anyone not liking your strudel, so I'm convinced he ate the General's portion for him. In any case, he was dropping unsubtle hints that he'd love to sample more of your cooking, so if it isn't too much bother, could you send a bit more?

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

You're a hit! You sent so much food that I could give Zachary a _huge _portion. And this time, I passed it to him in the mess hall, and the General was actually there, so I could offer him a piece myself. Zachary and the General always have lunch alone together in the hall, so at least I didn't have anyone staring at me incredulously when I did. General Sephiroth ate it then and there, and he said it was delicious, and this was the first time he'd ever tasted apple strudel that good – at which point I gave Zachary a very pointed look, and he refused to look anywhere near me and started whistling horribly out of tune. It seems my guess was accurate after all.

So anyway, not only do Zachary and General Sephiroth love your strudel, so do my squad-mates. I was able to share with all thirty of them this time (honestly, how did you manage to bake that much?) although we had smaller portions than Zachary and the General got, of course. You're much beloved by them now, and they are the reason there is a necklace in this envelope as well. They all chipped in to pay for it, and Zachary made the run out to town (he gets more privileges than we do). I personally think it's a very unsubtle hint for you to just get down here and cook for us everyday. The cafeteria staff seemed a little sullen that their plastic food was being forsaken for your strudel…

So to cut a long story short, far too many members of the military here have fallen in love with you. Should I get out the cudgels to beat off your admirers, mother?

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

You are a brilliant gem of a person. Are you planning on sending food every week now?

I've decided to restrict your culinary delights to my bunkmates, Zachary and General Sephiroth now. If I start handing out food to everyone, I'll have people after me at all hours of the day, asking if you've sent any more. My bunkmates are bad enough as it is now! I swear they look forward to my weekly mail more than I do! I'd love to see their faces if your letter arrived without a package attached…

My bunkmates also can't believe that I can cook. Of course, my cooking's nowhere on the level of yours, but I think I can whip up a pretty decent meal, don't you? None of the nine can cook to save their lives, or so they claim. Reno regaled us with a story of how he managed to mess up boiling water. This was a week or so after he'd been taken in by an orphanage. He was hungry and wanted to make some oats for himself, so he set some water to boil. Then he got distracted by some kids playing outside, and went out to join them. He comes back an hour or so later to find the water had boiled away to nothing and the pot was just about ready to melt. I find it hard to believe anyone can be so culinarily uninclined, but evidently, there are people like that who exist. I just didn't think I'd have to share a dorm with nine of them!

Zachary's somehow managed to extract a promise from me to go over to his quarters this weekend and cook something for him. Soldiers get quarters that are more like apartments, you see. So they have kitchens, but a lot of the Soldiers just eat at the mess hall because they can't be bothered cooking. Zachary shares his apartment with General Sephiroth, but he said that the General probably won't be there when I come over. We're planning on some weight training at the gym, then a quick spar in the afternoon – and after that I'll head over to his quarters with him and make us dinner. I admit an ulterior motive… I don't have a kitchen or ingredients, so I'm forced to eat plastic food. At least this Saturday, I can be sure I'll have good food to eat!

Is it just me, or does it seem like all my letters lately are about food?

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

You worry too much! Don't worry; it's nothing of the sort. It's nice to know you're not homophobic, but I'm not in a relationship with Zachary. I highly doubt he's looking for a relationship with me either; he's got a girlfriend called Aeris. They've been going out for a couple of months now and he seems pretty serious about her. And to answer your other question, no, the General doesn't have a significant other, as far as I know. He's the sort you'd say was married to their work. I don't think he's ever even entertained the thought.

Speaking of the General, it turns out he was there after all, on Saturday. He seemed as surprised as we were to see him when we came in. Apparently he'd finished work early for once and had been planning on just getting some rest at home. Would you believe he was actually planning on skipping dinner? Of course, the smell of my beef stir-fry convinced him to join Zachary and myself. I rather outdid myself with that, I think. Zachary managed to get pretty fresh produce (I'd given him the list of ingredients I'd need earlier) in the morning when I was still having P.T. I even made a butter cake and popped it in to bake while we ate dinner. It was done just about when we were, so it made a perfect dessert. And Zachary's just grateful he'll have something nice to eat at home… until the rest of the cake is finished and he comes crawling to me to make more.

Maybe I should forget about being a Soldier and just become a cook here. If I made good food, popular demand would ensure I stay here and get paid well.

General Sephiroth proved to be unexpectedly good company. I stayed at Zachary's till quite late (we have Sundays off, just like school). Earlier on, I'd managed to hold Zachary off for a good ten minutes when we were sparring, and he proceeded to tell the General about every little detail of our spar. I was just doing my best imitation of a tomato and attempting to disappear through the couch (I don't think I did that well, and Zachary was pointing out everything I'd done wrong as well!) when General Sephiroth looked over at me and said, "Well done then! There aren't many who could hold off Zachary for that long."

And then to make things worse, Zachary nods and agrees like a proud mother bird that's just shoved her chick out of the nest and seen it spread its wings. Which is what he reminds me of, really. I don't appreciate being compared to a chick (I'd definitely be called a chocobo chick, don't you think?) but it's such an uncannily accurate description of our relationship, I can't believe it's taken me this long to come up with it.

In any case. It's only just sunk in. _General Sephiroth praised me._

Excuse me while I go look out the window for flying pigs.

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Why on earth would you want to know more about my wonderful night out with the General and Zack?

But far be it for me to deny you your whims. I'll detail my day to you then:

In the morning, I had P.T. with my class, as per normal. This is not the part you're interested in, so I'll gloss over it. P.T. went well, and I was still feeling fresh by the time we were done. That was a good thing, as it turned out, because after lunch I was supposed to meet Zack at the gym to do some weights training. I was feeling considerably less fresh by the time that was done, and after that we had a spar. That lasted all of ten minutes, since I was tired already, as if I stood any chance against him when I was fresh. After the spar, we spent an hour or so going over the fight, working out my weak points and figuring out how I could improve myself.

After that, I went back to my quarters with Zack, who promptly made himself at home on my bed and stole one of my books to read. I had a quick shower, changed and joined him; then we walked over to his quarters (after I'd pried the book out of his hands). We walked in the door and were surprised to see General Sephiroth sitting there in the living room. He seemed surprised to see us too, anyway. And here's the part that you said you wanted a scene-by-scene replay of, right? So here goes:

I walked in after Zack and nearly crashed into his back, because he'd stopped just inside the door. Peering around him, the first thing I saw was silver. General Sephiroth's hair is always the first thing I notice about him; I suspect most people are the same way. The next thing I noticed was his eyes, which were still as sad as ever, but now also seemed faintly surprised. (That's something I don't think most people notice, the sadness.) He spotted me and enquired as to what I was doing there, whereupon Zack explained that he'd conned me into cooking him dinner.

I'll admit I'm puzzled about Sephiroth's reaction to that. His jaw actually tightened, as if he was unhappy about that. I didn't think it was such a big deal that Zack had invited me over, really, but I suppose that General Sephiroth's the sort of person who values his privacy. I don't think he took kindly to me intruding on that privacy, because, after all, there's no place more private for him than his own quarters.

Zack says that General Sephiroth actually qualified for his own quarters, without having to share with anyone, but for some obscure reason, had agreed to stay with Zack when he'd asked. This explanation actually came earlier in the day, but I think it fits this place in my narrative.

In any case, that brief moment of displeasure vanished quickly and then General Sephiroth was rising and inviting me in cordially. Zack closed the door and pulled me off to the kitchen, talking about how he'd managed to get some good, fresh food that morning. When I inspected it, I found that the broccoli wasn't the best it could have been, but the rest of the stuff was decent enough, so I started preparing the stir-fry.

Zack and the General stayed in the kitchen while I cooked. I discovered that while Zack might wield a sword big enough to be the butcher's knife of the sword world, he has absolutely no finesse when it comes to slicing meat. I learned this the hard way and subsequently had to chase Zack away from the food whenever he protested that he could help me. You know my stir-fry – most of the work is in the preparation, but it's easy to cook once all the cutting's done. I will say here that the General seemed somewhat amused at the sight of me chasing a grown man around his own kitchen telling him to stay away from the beef if he knew what was good for him. In retrospect, it probably was quite funny, wasn't it?

I don't think you want to know about what we spoke of, exactly. The General did complain about the amount of paperwork he's had to do lately. Too many mako reactors are having problems, if not outright failing, and the brass isn't happy. Of course, it's fallen on the General to get things sorted out, but that's meant a copious amount of paperwork. Zack was most unhelpful on that matter, electing to laugh at the General rather than offer constructive advice. I told the General that he could always delegate some of the paperwork to his subordinates; perhaps some Soldiers that he trusted, such as Zack, for instance. That shut Zack up properly, and he looked absolutely horrified – even more so when General Sephiroth said that he'd certainly have to consider that idea, and that it had great merit. It was far too fun baiting Zack, but he really just set himself up for it.

I also discovered over the course of the dinner that the General and I have much the same sense of humour – you know, dry and not very easily discernable, kind of deadpan. This led to numerous concerted attacks on Zack, who eventually decided that he was washing his hands of us and proceeded to sulk. I had to win him over with my butter cake, which thankfully came out quite well. It's almost up to the standard of yours, mother!

In any case, the General and Zack both agreed that they'd never eaten so well before. I'll believe the General on that count, since he's grown up with the military (and therefore with horrible food) but I'm sceptical about Zack. The fact remained that they'd definitely enjoyed it, if the way _both _of them gave the saucepan dirty looks when it was empty was any indication.

After that, we sat around the living room and I think the General had just about forgotten that he didn't originally want me there in his house. At any rate, he treated me very well. He's certainly different in private. I think he's so used to putting on a persona when he goes out that he can only let himself be himself at home. And even then, he's not entirely sure how to be himself, because the mask is so much a part of him that he doesn't know where the mask ends and where he begins. But he was nice to me, and I'm astounded to find myself really liking him, the way I like Zack.

Remember how I said once that I thought the General and I would get along famously if only we were of equal rank? Saturday night proved me right, I think, even if we were still on completely different levels. I'd never dreamed I'd have the opportunity to get to know him while I was still a private, mother. It's like a dream come true, to be horribly clichéd.

I can't say that we're friends now, but he acknowledges me by name when we pass each other by in the corridors, and his eyes are just a fraction less cold when he looks at me, and that's enough for me.

To round up that night: I left at around eleven. Zack insisted that I had to come around more often, and that both he and General Sephiroth would be more than glad to have me drop by anytime, even if I didn't schedule anything with them before hand. In other words, he clarified when I looked at him blankly, I was welcome to drop by uninvited – because as far as he was concerned, I had a standing invitation to his quarters. I was about to point out that he couldn't very well speak for the General, when the General himself added his assent to that statement. That, I'll admit, left me flummoxed enough that I agreed without realising. I also agreed to come over on Saturdays and make them dinner. I have a feeling this is going to become a new ritual, and it's one I'm looking forward to. General Sephiroth is so much more human at home, and such enjoyable company, and Zack's just fun to be around all the time.

I hope this sates your curiosity?

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

I still don't understand why you wanted that replay of that first Saturday, or why you sounded so smug when you wrote "I knew it!" You didn't even explain that – what did you know? And why do I know you're not going to explain it to me?

Two more Saturdays at Zack's, one with the General and one sort-of without. Last week, he wasn't home when I went over. In fact, it was when I was leaving that I saw him. I usually walk back to my quarters myself (Zack only sees me to the door). I like walking myself anyway, and I had to assure him that I was perfectly fine walking back myself. He's worried that there may be some cadets who don't appreciate my friendship with him, since he's of such a high rank. There are rumours of favouritism floating around, I know, but all that's done is ensure that the instructors put me through even more stringent tests than most people go through. Still, I pass them and I'm grateful for the opportunity to improve, so I'm not complaining. The instructors seem to like the way I'm progressing too.

And I digress. I saw General Sephiroth as I was leaving the block in which Zack's quarters are located. My own dorms are in Barrack H, which is behind that block, so I was just turning the corner when I almost literally ran into the General. He didn't seem that surprised to see me, and I suspect he sensed me coming. For whatever reason, he let me crash into him. I really have to learn how to sense the presence of people…

Anyway, so he caught and steadied me and once I was over my surprise, he said that he was sorry he couldn't make it home earlier today. Let me see if I can remember the conversation (I have it almost memorised, I've been thinking about it so much):

"I apologise for not being able to make it back earlier, Cloud," he said to me. He speaks that way, sort of formal and reserved in his speech and tone and choice of words. Everything about him speaks of restraint, really; restrained power. Or restrained anger, I'm not sure which.

So I replied, "Oh, it's not a problem. I guess your work held you up?"

Then he frowned slightly and said, "Rather. The same problem I've mentioned before." Note that through this whole thing he was still holding me by the elbow, and he was surprisingly gentle about it. So much so, in fact, that I didn't even realise it.

To that, I brilliantly replied, "Oh." Insert short pause here, during which time I became aware that he actually looked tired. It was completely understandable, of course, but it was something unheard of to think of General Sephiroth as merely human. You just don't think of him being tired or anything, it's almost blasphemous. But that's what he looked like, like he wanted nothing more than to go home and collapse in bed without even changing or anything. This was also the moment when I realised that he was still holding onto my elbow. He saw me looking at his hand, but he only tightened his grip slightly instead of letting go.

"Perhaps you could come over tomorrow instead," he then suggested softly. Really, I had to lean forward to hear him, that's how softly he spoke. Almost as if he was nervous about saying it. Of course I replied, "I'd love to! I can't stay till too late though, so maybe in the afternoon?"

He actually seemed pleased that I'd agreed, and finally let go of my arm. "That will be fine," he agreed. "I will be home after noon."

"I'll make lunch," I volunteered then. "If Zack can get some food by tomorrow. Just tell him to buy some meat and vegetables, and I'll try and make something decent."

"That would be wonderful." – that was Sephiroth.

Then (pay attention, this is the reason I keep replaying this conversation in my head) I said, "I'll see you tomorrow then, General Sephiroth." That's how I address him, because he deserves respect and anyway, he outranks me so I have to. Even when it's just the three (or two) of us, I don't want to be presumptuous and call him by his name, and I'm sure you'll agree it's prudent for me to do so, right? I don't think I've ever referred to him as just "Sephiroth" before.

Anyway, then his eyes positively flashed, and he seemed really angry. That was just for the briefest of seconds though, and then he was calm again and said, "You're allowed to call me Sephiroth, Cloud. I believe you've earned that right."

Then he brushed by me and disappeared up the staircase, leaving me completely flummoxed down there. It took me a good few minutes to come to my senses and think that maybe yes, I should be getting back to the barracks after all.

I was sort of apprehensive about the next day, and yet looking forward to it. As it turned out, I couldn't make it after all because Captain Jackson decided to hold extra P.T. for us. Someone goofed off a bit too much last break and some civilians complained, so the whole squad doesn't have the next four weekends off. I didn't know anyone I could send to tell Zack and General Sephiroth, so I had to just stand them up (rude of me, wasn't it?). I did see Zack before class yesterday – Monday – though, so I explained to him and told him to apologise to the General on my behalf.

And here's the other reason that I'm puzzled about our conversation. Zack said that the General had really been looking forward to my visit on Sunday, and was upset when I didn't show up.

That, to me, sounds like someone who's anticipating a person's visit. As in, it almost sounds like General Sephiroth genuinely likes me, not just as Zack's friend, but as a person in my own right. Am I being too egoistical thinking that?

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Explain the insane cackling, will you? I do _not _understand what you're on about! And don't say, "You know perfectly well what I'm talking about, don't you?" because I don't!

Now that that's out of the way, I've been wanting to tell you about another encounter I had with General Sephiroth. I hope you don't mind me writing all these things to you, mother, but you're the only one I could think of who would understand how I think.

So the General – or Sephiroth, as he insists I call him (when we're in private) – sent for me the other day. Not the most brilliant of moves, considering we were having lessons when Zack arrived with the message that the General wanted to see Cloud Strife, yes, that very moment, he's sorry about the inconvenience, pack up your things, Cloud, you won't be coming back till evening. This was just yesterday, on Saturday, and we were having our extra P.T. then, you see. So naturally I wasn't too upset about being pulled out of lessons, and followed Zack quite happily.

When we're a safe distance away from the hall, he turns to me and tells me to go to his house by myself, saying that he needs to attend a debriefing and will catch up with me later. So off I traipse to their quarters, wondering what on earth Sephiroth could possibly want with me, and feeling a little naked without Zack to hide behind.

But he was so _nice_. Sephiroth, I mean. When I knocked on the door, he opened it almost instantly, like he'd been waiting for me or something. And get this – when I asked why he'd asked for me, he actually laughed.

It's a very nice sound, but I digress.

Turns out that he and Zack had decided to rescue me from lessons. If anyone asked what he'd wanted with me, I was to say it was classified. As if anyone would press further after that! And in the meantime I had a Saturday off to enjoy with Zack and Sephiroth, except Zack had to go for an unexpected debriefing and therefore wouldn't be there for a couple of hours yet.

So that left Sephiroth and myself to entertain ourselves, and oddly, we got along fabulously well. He was the perfect host, offering me drinks when I sat down and all that. And they'd bought some biscuits, to go with the tea he made us. It's such an odd image; him being domestic. But it's such a nice image, all the same. The tea was delicious too, though not quite on par with your orange tea, I have to admit. I told him I'd teach him how to make your ginger oolong tea someday, and he seemed pleased at the prospect.

I wanted to know if they'd want me to cook lunch or dinner or something (I was perfectly willing and I meant it as a serious question). Sephiroth just started joking about it, saying that pretty soon they'd have to start paying me wages to come in and cook for them everyday so they didn't die of starvation or food poisoning. I was just telling him that they'd have to put in extra hours at the gym if I let them eat too well when the door opens and in comes Zack, bearing a huge cake and wearing a huge grin on his face.

I don't know how those prats discovered it was my birthday, but I love them for it. Remember how I said surprise birthday parties probably wouldn't sit well with me? Well, this one did! It was just the three of us, a very low-key celebration that mostly consisted of pigging out on cake and me tearing into the presents they got me. Well, they insisted I open them there, so I did! And they were brilliant, mother, really! Zack got me a book on sword-fighting with large swords; I think he realised I'm in lust with Buster Blade, and he knows I love to read, besides. I'm just about halfway through the book now and it's completely engrossing, I love it.

And Sephiroth! He gave me Materia! A Fire2, in fact, which is well beyond anything they've ever shown us. He said that he'd teach me how to use Materia, since Zack's handling the physical aspect of my training. So that Materia's _mine_, and as if that weren't enough, he gave me this beautiful charm bracelet as well. Just a single heart-shaped charm on it at the moment, and he says he'll get me another for each significant occasion that comes up. Zack then called him a cheapskate and I whacked him and Sephiroth said that he meant, on top of whatever other present he was going to get me and I told him he shouldn't spend so much money on me because he really shouldn't! But oh, I feel so good about myself now, knowing that they really do care about me enough to fake an excuse to get me out of class and set this all up and get me these presents.

Probably the best present of all was them later admitting to me that they think I have enough potential that I could request to be trained by a Soldier. You can do this if recommended by your instructors or a Soldier before the actual Soldier entry exams begin. Naturally if you're being trained by a Soldier, you're pushed a lot more and you'll move past your classmates fairly quickly. Zack said that he'd love to be able to teach me during more regular hours instead of our current once-weekly workouts together. Sephiroth also said that if I decide to go ahead with it, Zack will approve it and Sephiroth will make sure I get Zack as my instructor.

I can't wait, mother! I'm definitely going for it! I know Zack's going to push me to no end, but I'm actually looking forward to the bruises and complete exhaustion I'm sure I'll have to deal with. Sephiroth also said that if my application is successful, then he'll teach me how to use Materia and also strategy, since, in his words, "Zack couldn't win a chess match against a five-year-old." So if this goes through successfully, I'll be seeing a lot more of Zack and Sephiroth, which is going to be absolutely brilliant!

Here's to hoping you're proud of me, because I'm absolutely delirious with joy!

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

And now you want more details of the birthday celebration? I thought I covered the more important things, though in retrospect, I suppose I glossed over some things…

You wanted to know more about how Sephiroth and Zack treated me? Not much of a change from the usual, really, except that Zack was making jokes about how I'm legal now and they're never going to see me on my days off anymore because I'll be off with my bunkmates getting drunk. I won't be, don't worry. I don't really fancy the taste of alcohol, anyway, and I like the idea of losing control over myself even less.

Oh, and Sephiroth was a lot more pleasant. As in, he made a conscious effort to be more… cheerful? Not quite the word I'm looking for, I don't think. Let me try and explain about Sephiroth. In my experience, when we're with him, he has a habit of occasionally falling into silence. It's something that will happen of course, especially if Zack's prattling on as always. But there is a definite sadness in those silences, like he's thinking of something and he'd rather we didn't know about it, but wants so badly to share it with us. And like he wants very much to feel human affection and care, like he wants to experience something like love, but has no clue what it is. That's the impression I get, anyway. It's just so sad when he gets into those moods, but I'm just thankful that I'm not the only one who notices it. Zack and I notice almost immediately when he gets in one of these moods and we always try and draw him into the conversation again, out of whatever depression he's fallen into.

Anyway, when he's not in one of those moods, the most cheerful he ever gets is a kind of restrained (that word again) and… gentle? That's the word I'm looking for. A kind of gentle happiness, the sort you get when you're comfortable with someone and happy with life. Peaceful, almost. That's his kind of happiness; peace. The problem is that he can rarely maintain that kind of peace, because he always thinks of something that upsets him at some point or other. But that day, he made a conscious effort to maintain that peace, and he succeeded, for the most part.

You said that there was something I was leaving out. I don't know how you knew, but fine, I'll spill. It has to do with the "for the most part" at the end of the last paragraph. There was a call to the house around five, you see. Zack answered it, and took the message for Sephiroth. It was from one of Professor Hojo's assistants, reminding him that he needed to report to the Professor the next day for some tests or other. When he heard that, Sephiroth immediately sank into one of his moods. The thing is, we'd been getting along so well before that and seeing him upset sort of upset me as well.

So, being the brilliant son you've raised, I did the sensible thing and hugged him.

I blame you for being such a tactile person, by the way.

Well, he looked stunned, and Zack wasn't faring any better. After a few moments, my brain caught up to my body and registered what I'd done, which was basically snuggling into Sephiroth's side, a charm bracelet in one hand and both arms around his waist. It's odd that I remember the bracelet so vividly, but I do. I remember it pressing into my skin, the feel of the little heart against my palm.

But before I could pull away, Sephiroth went and _relaxed _in my arms. He even put an arm around my shoulder, effectively holding me there. And at that, Zack lost his shell-shocked look and started to look so very amused. I'm not entirely sure what was going on there, but I'm positive the look on his face was the one that goes something like, "I know something you don't!"

But anyway, it really looks like Sephiroth actually likes me! I'm still surprised by that, but also indescribably happy. You know I am, because I'm being so very eloquent in explaining things to you. The words just aren't coming to me, because every time I think of what happened, I'm just filled with this utter joy and I can't think straight anymore.

Who would've thought the day would come when Private Cloud Strife (once a punching bag) would be the person from whom the great General Sephiroth would take comfort?

My ego astounds me. Likely, I'm the only one idiotic enough to do such a thing and he was just amused!

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Are you _serious_? You cannot possibly think that Sephiroth harbours any sort of romantic feelings towards me. No, it's impossible. If he ever did feel romantically inclined towards anyone, and if he actually preferred men, I think he'd go for someone like Zack. And anyway Zack's been his friend much longer than I have. I know Zack's got Aeris, but still! I haven't known him nearly as long as Zack has, how could he be in love with me?

So now that I've dismissed that utterly ridiculous notion, would you mind if I told you I wish it could be true?

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

I love you.

You know exactly the sort of thing to say to make me feel better about myself, do you know that?

I don't think I'd ever tell him, no. I couldn't bear to lose our friendship, and anyway I'm not sure how he feels about me. I want to at least solidify our friendship before I try and move into anything else. I know I say that we get along well, but how well would we get along when we spend more time together? When each other's little quirks and annoying habits are revealed? Who's to say we won't grate on each other after a while?

I think about things like that, in which I think I am very different from most people my age. But I'd like to be sure of a relationship before rushing into it. I'd like to make sure it has at least a chance.

Yes, mother, I will insist on protection. Do you have any idea how red you made me turn with that?

But let's leave the drama of my (non-existent) love life, shall we? I've been accepted into the Soldier training programme. I told you I applied, right? Well, I was accepted fairly quickly, largely because I was approved by Zack. As a Soldier First Class, his opinion of me carries a lot of weight. Sephiroth didn't want to put his name to any more official documents than was strictly necessary, but he was our backup in case the bureaucrats decided they needed one more referee for me. As it turns out, Zack was more than enough.

So I start training with Zack starting next week. It's Tuesday now as I write this letter, so come next Monday, it'll be the beginning of a new training regime. I can hardly wait!

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. You sounded worried in your last letter. I'm sorry if I did worry you, but the fact is that I've been laid up in the infirmary for the past three weeks. Healing Materia isn't used on privates, and I insisted on not jumping the channels when Zack volunteered to. So I had to heal the old-fashioned way, and that took time.

And what exactly happened? In a word, jealousy. I suppose I've found my first bullies of Midgar, although it's not like there was any shortage of them back home. Anyway, some of the privates heard of my being accepted into the Soldier training programme and decided they didn't like that fact.

Let's just cut a long story short, eh? They waylaid me on the way back to my dorm after practise the day after I sent off that last letter to you. I was alone, so I'm sure they thought it would be easy for them. I'm pleased to say I managed to take three of them down before one of them clobbered me in the back of the head and knocked me out. When I came to, they decided to take the opportunity to make their displeasure with me known.

When I _next _came to, I was in the infirmary, with a worried Zack and furious Sephiroth in the room with me. Those involved have been dishonourably discharged, but not before being thoroughly whipped. The one who found us was Sephiroth, you see. And when he saw them kicking me, he apparently attacked them. He says he did give them one short warning, but they either didn't hear or didn't care, so he drew Masamune on them. Even using the blunt side of his blade, they were so badly injured that they needed to be healed up before being discharged.

After that display, I don't think anyone else will be vocal – or physical – about what I know a lot of people perceive to be favouritism. Do you think it is, mother? I've been thinking about it, and I suppose Zack and Sephiroth have been using their rank to benefit me sometimes. Is that necessarily a bad thing? And I know I made it into the Soldier training programme on my own merit. Even Sephiroth's influence couldn't help me pass the physical component of that test, which is what a large portion of the mark depends on. So do things like pulling me out of class for a surprise birthday party count as "favouritism"?

I'm rather confused about this, mother. I'd love to hear what you think, so please write back soon.

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

I told you that Sephiroth took care of them already! You're not coming down here and you're not going to beat them up to within an inch of their lives, understand? Though the sentiment is appreciated.

Thanks for being so honest, mother. I'll tell them to tone things down as well then. I suppose far too many things about our friendship could be misconstrued as favouritism.

I'm still technically on medical leave, and I'm not supposed to do anything strenuous, so my lessons with Zack are on hold. My arm hasn't quite recovered (my left arm was broken in two places, the worst of the injuries) so the doctor wants me to play it safe and just avoid exercise for another week or so at least.

Sephiroth said that maybe the healing facilities weren't authorised to use Healing Materia on me, but he had some at home and he was well-versed in how to use it, so he'd help speed things up a little if it looked like it would take too long to heal normally. I'm not sure if I should agree to it. I suppose I'll wait and see if my arm decides to heal on its own.

But anyway, even if I can't practise with Zack, I can have strategy lessons. That's what my days have been largely comprised of. My lessons generally take place in Sephiroth's office nowadays. He sets me work to do and expects it to be completed by a set time. Generally it's in the form of some sort of puzzle – yesterday he'd set out a chess game in progress on my table. I was black, and my job was to figure out how to checkmate white in one move. The problem was that black was clearly losing, and I could barely find a way out of the three traps that my king was in, let alone figure out a way to checkmate white. I still haven't figured it out, and I'm still thinking about it even now. Sephiroth said I had three days to figure it out, so it must be a pretty difficult one, but that doesn't make me feel any better about not being able to solve it.

Well, tomorrow will be another chance to figure it out. I'll sleep on it tonight. Maybe I'll dream the answer, eh?

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Well, my arm's decided to heal up nicely on its own, so I needn't worry about the Healing Materia anymore. I still have a nice, big bruise on my stomach, surprisingly, but it doesn't bother me much now. Zack and I have started our training, but he's taking it easy on me – or so he claims. Really, what I have to do is still harder than what privates are expected to. I wonder what training will be like when he deems me completely recovered? I'm oddly looking forward to it, even if my body protests.

The good thing about all this training is that I've gotten stronger. I didn't realise before, but over the past few months, I've actually managed to put on enough musculature to use the Buster Blade. I still have trouble with it when I'm doing the harder moves, but I can do basic katas and drills with it quite fluidly now. Zack's been brilliant about letting me try it out, though he was careful to stay well out of reach the first time – in case, you know, I accidentally lopped off his arm or something.

The thing is, my body doesn't show the muscles too much. I'm taller and more built now than when I left Nibelheim, true, but I'll always have a more slender, lithe build than most people who go through a regime like this. The majority of them bulk up a lot, but my body's such that I won't. Zack and Sephiroth agree that's a good thing, because I'm likely to be underestimated then, so I have the element of surprise on my side. Zack also told me (for future reference) that if someone picks on me and I don't think I can win the fight, remember who it was so they'll know who to go after. I said I'd probably just run. Pride be-damned, I'm not letting that happen to me again!

The techniques we're taught have beautiful names – Butterfly and Crescent Moon and Rising Sun. Strung together into katas, they're indescribably beautiful to watch, especially when someone like Sephiroth or Zack executes them – the kind of smooth, practised artistry that you'll never see anywhere else. And yet these beautiful movements are lethal. There is such a pitiful irony about that, that I simply cannot bear to think about – and yet I must.

If I am sent to war, what becomes of the people I kill, and their families? I've thought about that so much and I still don't have a good answer. Even if I'm asked (which I doubt) I wouldn't want to join the Turks. Officially, they scout for Soldier candidates, and are bodyguards to President Shinra and his son. Unofficially, they're assassins for ShinRa. I couldn't possibly do something like that, not if I'm upset about having to kill soldiers I meet in battle. I understand the necessity, but I don't have to like the idea.

Enough of being depressing. I'll keep you updated on my training. Be warned that my letters may be a bit more sporadic hereon. Between Zack running me ragged and Sephiroth's mind games (I solved the chess game! Just move the rook!) I'm barely left with the energy to _think _a letter to you, let alone actually have the time and strength to write one.

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Thank you for the fruit cake! No matter how many times I make it, I can never quite get mine to taste like yours. Zack's in love with you all over again, and listen to this: Sephiroth said he'd love to meet you! His exact words (if I remember right) were, "I'd love to visit her someday; she seems so nice. And I know I'll be well-fed, anyway." Zack promptly suggested that they organise a little sojourn to Nibelheim, and I then hit him for suggesting it. I promised I'd be a Soldier First Class before I returned, after all! And the next Soldier exams are… well, two weeks from now, actually, but I'm nowhere near ready for them yet. So the _next _ones after that are three years from now, and that's what I'm waiting for.

But Sephiroth then said that seriously, ShinRa might send out a troop to Nibelheim soon. With all the problems with the reactors they've been encountering, they're stepping up inspections on all mako reactors, and the Nibelheim plant's long overdue for one. The official announcement will be out tomorrow, so you might have heard of it by now, but in any case he's cleared me to write to you about it. If I do end up being in the platoon they send… well, so much for being a Soldier First Class when I next return, but at least I'll get to see you.

Short letter today because I'm flat-out exhausted. My bed's calling my name, so I'll close here.

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

Zack is insane.

I didn't even realise what he was up to, actually. But what he did was put down my name for the Soldier tests. That's the reason I haven't written, I was panicking about what he'd done and frantically trying to get some last-minute training in.

All in all, I don't think I screwed up _too _badly, but my fight didn't go as well as I wish it could have. I think I lasted against that Soldier quite well, but if I'd managed to counter his last attack with Crescent Moon instead of Flight of the Bird (which was what I used) then I might have… well, not won, but given him a bit of a scare at least! At least the written part of the exam went swimmingly well, so maybe that will pull up my overall score. There was only one question I wasn't sure about, and I think all the rest were right.

The results will be out next week. I'm not expecting to make it in, but it's nice to dream, I guess. I'd love to make Soldier Third Class and then be able to make my way up from there.

Let me also just say here that I'm insanely thankful for Zack's training. He fights me as a Soldier First Class, you see, unlike my old instructors who always toned down their attacks. Fighting Zack got me used to being pitted against that level of skill, and I think that's why I lasted as long as I did in the exam. I've still not bested Zack even once, but my current record fighting against him is twenty minutes. Pretty good, I'd say.

Details out tomorrow about who'll be in the platoon to Nibelheim. Sephiroth's heading it and he's definitely taking Zack with him – so even if I'm not there, look out for them! Sephiroth… I'm sure you know what he looks like. Zack's the dark-haired guy you'll undoubtedly see near Sephiroth. Perpetually has a grin on his face, slightly shorter than Sephiroth. If you know what the uniform of a Soldier First Class looks like, look for it. Oh, and his hair spikes worse than mine. Give Zack a pie or something; he'll love you forever (not that he doesn't already).

Love,

Cloud

--

Dear Mother,

I'm astounded, in shock, stupefied, and all the rest of that jazz.

I made it!

Soldier Third Class!

Still amazed, in wonder and some modicum of disbelief here in Midgar. In two days, I will be amazed in Nibelheim.

So yes, I'm being posted there as well, under Zack's command. As my sponsor in the Soldier programme, he's responsible for me, in a sense. Now that I'm an actual Soldier… well, Third Class is like being a private, only amongst the Soldiers. It's supremely hard to work your way up the ranks of the Soldiers, and Zack said that I'm not quite ready for that. He took a leap of faith in enrolling me for the exams, but he said he thought I'd be able to just about scrape through, which I did.

Anyway, I now have actual lessons to go to, instead of Zack's thinly-disguised torture sessions. That'll be worse, in a way, since now I'll be in a group of people (most of whom will have passed with better grades than me) and I'll have to answer to someone I don't know. The good thing is that even while I was being taught by Zack, I still had to defer to everyone else, so military discipline is still quite engrained in me. I don't think it'll be too hard settling back into that lifestyle, though I'll miss seeing Zack and Sephiroth. Soldiers Third Class don't really get days off. Saturday's a full day of training, and we only get half of Sundays off. There go my weekly dinners with them.

But this is one step closer to them too, so I'm still happy about it. And I'm still under Zack's sponsorship anyway – oh, let me explain that a little. Each Soldier Third Class is sponsored by a Soldier First Class. We're taught by Soldiers Second Class, and the sponsors are who the instructors report to if they have any trouble with us. Our sponsors also get regular reports on our performance in class, and are responsible for dealing with any trouble-makers.

Sponsors also have a say in whether a Soldier Third Class is ready to take the exams for Soldier Second Class. The exams are necessary to prove you have the skills; but your promotion still needs to be approved by gazillions of bureaucrats as well. And from Second Class to First Class it's even worse; you need to take three different competency tests, be approved by at least ten Soldiers First Class, and be approved by the General. I may be friends with Sephiroth, but he's fair above all else, and he won't pass me unless I really deserve it. Knowing him, he'll probably he harder on me than on anyone else, just to nip accusations of favouritism in the bud. We're all a little paranoid after what happened the last time.

Only after you mentioned it did I realise I've not written very much about my old squad-mates, or my bunkmates. Well, honestly, I've not seen very much of them lately. A normal day for privates begins at five and ends at seven thirty. Dinner's at eight and then they have free time. Their day consists of physical training and sparring, that sort of thing. I wake up at five with the rest of them, but that's about all I have in common with their day. My day runs more like this:

At five o'clock I wake up. If there's time (i.e. if people aren't hogging the showers) I have a quick shower before dressing and rushing down for breakfast. P.T. starts at six thirty for my bunkmates, and they're only one hall down from the mess hall. As for me, I'm supposed to meet Zack at six in the Soldier training hall, which is about ten minutes' run away. I usually do run there, so that I'm warmed up by the time I get there. Then I train with Zack until one, when we break for lunch. My bunkmates get lunch at one thirty, so I'm gone by the time they arrive. I only get half an hour for lunch (though it's enough, really; the mess hall isn't that crowded then), and then it's back to the Soldier training hall for more sparring with Zack. At around six, we stop training, and until seven thirty he tells me everything I did wrong, and teaches me new moves.

I end the physical training regime at seven thirty and head back to my dorms to shower and change. By about eight I'm down in the mess hall for dinner. I eat with my bunkmates, and they're still nice enough to me even though I'm not there all the time anymore. After dinner they have free time, but I'm expected to be up at Sephiroth's office by nine o'clock at the latest, and until ten thirty or eleven I have to learn strategy, fighting theory and Materia use with him. At around eleven-ish I stumble back to the dorms to find most of my bunkmates already asleep. I crash onto the bed and wake up six hours later to repeat the whole process.

You see why I said it's exhausting?

My regime will change once I start the Soldier training. Then it'll be something like:

0630-1300: P.T. and other training

1330-1430: Lunch (which only takes that long because it'll be crowded)

1430-1700: More training

1700-1900: Strategy and theory

1900-2000: Theory of Materia

And from then on, dinner and free time. It's a little better than the crazy schedule that Zack and Sephiroth had me working with (though I'll say freely that I enjoyed every moment of it).

But whatever the schedule and whatever my regime, I'll have a bit of a reprieve from it when I come to Nibelheim. We're leaving tomorrow, so who knows, I might beat this letter there. I'm just writing it now because I actually have time (surprise, surprise) and I felt like writing something to you. We'll see who gets there first!

Love,

Cloud

_tsuzuku_

_As always, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Leave a review and tell me how I can improve! D_


	2. Tiro

A/N: Part Two, obviously. This was technically completed over a week ago, but I wasn't too happy with it. I've been re-working it some, and I'm still not entirely pleased with it, but this is as good as it's going to get, I think. It's not as good as Solacium, in my opinion, but it's readable. Er, I hope. Standard warnings from the first chapter still apply. Beware the OOC, etc etc.

This fic is also posted on soera.l ivejournal.c om. Take out the spaces in the address to get to the journal, which also contains more of my fiction. You might also want to have a look at this new doujin circle I'm in: poco-a-poco.d eviantart.c om. We don't have FF VII art up yet, but it's on the way!

Enjoy!

**Endymion**

Part Two: Tiro 

13/04

0715

I am not in the habit of keeping diaries, but this journal is the product of a suggestion made to me a while ago by Cloud. He seems to have noticed my rather perturbed state of mind lately, and suggested that writing things out might help me set my own thoughts in order. I find myself rather uncertain as to how this will help me, exactly, but I agreed to at least try it.

However, perhaps some background information is in order, before I explain anything else. I write this not only to help myself think things through, but also so that in the event of my death, those close to me might understand a little more about me. This, therefore, is for Zack and Cloud. I do not desire death, but it is a real possibility in my line of work.

We are in Nibelheim now, running a standard inspection on the mako reactor here in the mountains. There have been rather too many instances of reactors failing recently, and ShinRa has decided to step up inspections. The failed reactors have led to quite a number of problems, both on the Plate and in the Slums, and discontent is growing amongst the people. It is for that reason that President ShinRa decided to send me personally to inspect this reactor; as a sign to the people that ShinRa does indeed take its job seriously.

The platoon has been here three days now, and it was yesterday that Zack and I went up to the mako reactor. A local girl named Tifa accompanied us as a guide. She was competent, thankfully, and we reached the reactor earlier than expected. The checks also went well, although we will have to run a few more later today.

But I found myself with extra time on my hands, and while Zack was running the last checks on the reactor's X-243 system, I decided to have a look around the place to see if there were any visible leaks anywhere. There have been reports of monsters in the region which could very possibly have been created by mutation via mako contamination.

I knew that Doctor Hojo had conducted some mako-related experiments in the region in the past, and therefore theorised that any leaks could possibly be due to his enthusiasm in obtaining fresh mako. I know better than most what lengths he will go to in order to obtain fresh samples of mako. I know too, what he does with it.

In any case, I went to the old ShinRa mansion in Nibelheim. It has long since been abandoned, but I hoped to find old records of what experiments had been carried out here in the past. In the belief that no one save those I choose will ever see this, I will state here now that I would not put it past Doctor Hojo to have deliberately created the monsters that reportedly terrorise the region now. The locals claim that the mountains are no longer safe; a cause for worry, since they depend on the mountain passes for their supplies and trade.

I did find some things of great interest in the mansion. Doctor Hojo's personal notes, in fact, far more than I ever thought I would discover. They detail a great number of experiments, not all of them ethical. I had not the time to read through them in great detail, but I believe I saw some notes on human experimentation. I believe this may have been the precursor to what is now an accepted field of study – mako-based enhancement. I am, however, fairly sure that at the time, such study was illegal.

I plan on returning today and making a more thorough examination of his notes, in order to determine exactly what he was doing. For now, however, Zack is here and waiting for me to leave. I will further elaborate on what I have found once I am sure of my facts.

-Sephiroth

--

13/04

2050

It would be a grave mistake to assume that the only reason I have been somewhat unsettled of late is because of what I have found at the mansion. Cloud, if ever you read this – your mother is a formidable woman. I cannot claim to understand her, but I think I can somewhat understand now, how you could have grown up the way you have. And yet, at the same time, I feel as if I am treading a minefield whenever I speak to her.

No doubt if you are reading this, Zack, you will want to tell Cloud. Please do refrain from doing so.

But leaving aside that topic, let me write now on what I found today. I asked Zack to take care of most of the checks today, personally running only a brief scan of the Alpha system. It reported no problems with the pipes, so if there is a leak, that is not where the problem lies.

I believe I may have worried Zack a little with the way I disappeared immediately after I had checked the Alpha system. If I did, I must apologise. I proceeded to the basement of the ShinRa mansion to continue my personal investigation into Doctor Hojo's old records.

Unfortunately, Doctor Hojo does not appear to have been much for order. Time has also taken its toll, so I find myself faced with the unenviable task of sorting through all the notes. I have already removed the notes that are beyond salvage, for some have been quite thoroughly destroyed by water and insects. The remainder I have secured in the basement. Tomorrow, I will attempt to sort through them and at least place them in chronological order. If nothing else, Doctor Hojo does at least note the dates of all his experiments, so the only thing that stands in the way of a quick sorting is the sheer volume of notes.

There were a fair number of old tapes as well, undoubtedly made during experiments when he had his hands – literally – full. I must see if I can procure a tape recorder before going back up tomorrow. If I cannot, I will simply sort through the handwritten notes and see if there is anything that bears further investigation. In that event, I will find a way to bring the tapes back to Midgar to study them. There is a risk involved with that, of course. Doctor Hojo always seems to know what I am up to while in ShinRa. He regards me as a prize specimen, I feel. It is not a sensation I enjoy, but it is something I must take into account.

-Sephiroth

--

14/04

2130

Today, for the first time in a long while, I found myself having a pleasant meal with people I could consider family. I have missed these meals with Zack and Cloud, far more than I think even they know. They provide me with a kind of normalcy that is sorely lacking in my life. I do not believe that President Shinra wants me to be normal; I believe he wants me to always be extraordinary, to stand out from the crowd, the perfect figurehead, and thus have I been groomed. But I find myself craving these moments in which I can be human, and I find myself grateful for the company of these two men.

We dined with Cloud's mother. Again, the minefield, but I think I made a good impression on her. At the very least, she refrained from throwing sharp things at me, which has to be a good sign.

I had little luck today with sorting through Doctor Hojo's notes. I was barely down in the basement for half an hour or so when someone rapped at the door. As it turned out, Zack had discovered some anomalies during what ought to have been a routine check. We made a search of the premises, but none of the storage facilities seem to have any visible defects. Tomorrow we will have to run a more thorough check. As I write this, Zack is prepping the equipment we will need for tomorrow.

I admit here to feeling somewhat uneasy about what lies ahead. Perhaps it is merely because these are Doctor Hojo's notes that I am looking through, because this is where he conducted some of his experiments. Whatever the reason, I find myself loathe to return tomorrow.

-Sephiroth

--

14/04

2240

Cloud has just been in here asking me what Zack and I will be doing tomorrow. I refrained from providing too many details, but the lad is quick enough on the uptake to almost immediately realise we discovered something wrong with the reactor. Or maybe I should be working on hiding my emotions more; perhaps I'm slipping.

We spoke for well over an hour (not all about work, thankfully) and he has only just left after we realised the time. The imp had the gall to apologise for making me lose my beauty sleep and then running off before I could deliver retribution.

Somehow, he has successfully managed to lighten my mood. I no longer quite fear the coming day.

-Sephiroth

--

15/04

1300

As it turns out, we have been stranded here in Nibelheim today. The rain does not appear to be letting up, and the storm is violent enough that the pathway up to the reactor will be all but impassable. One of the locals, Zangan, assures us that the rain will continue for at least another day. We have also been duly cautioned that landslides are a real possibility, even after the rains stop.

So here we sit in enforced lassitude. Or I do, at any rate. Zack seems to have meandered down to the bar. No doubt he's thanking his lucky stars that he is bunking here in the inn, as opposed to being out in the field. We have had to bring in the soldiers and tents because of the severity of the storm, and it is a positive madhouse downstairs in the pub area. Some of the villagers have offered to put up the soldiers for the night in their homes. I am merely thankful that we brought only a small group here.

A note here, for posterity's sake – we have with us only a small group, consisting of two Soldiers Second Class, their five trainees, and some few gendarmerie. Zack and I are in charge of this motley crew, who were chosen mainly because the majority of them are either used to mountain regions, or have experience dealing with mako. And of course, Cloud is with us as well, as Zack's trainee.

I find myself rather craving some of the wonderful food provided here, but at the same time, I do not wish to face the crowd. Perhaps all Doctor Hojo's grooming has done is to cause me to withdraw into myself. The great leader he envisioned would rather sit alone in his room, a fact I am sure would cause him great consternation. I find I do not much care though – and someone is knocking at my door. A moment.

A moment has in fact been a few hours, and tumultuous ones at that. More and more these days, I suspect Cloud of… there is no elegant way of phrasing this. It seems almost as if he is flirting with me. Perhaps I am reading too deeply into some of his words and actions, and perhaps I am rather too greatly influenced by my own desires, but nonetheless – there is that suspicion of mine.

And that is all it shall remain.

This has turned out to be more of a personal journal than the record-book of Doctor Hojo's notes that I originally intended for it to be. But no matter; this writing is cathartic in a sense. Perhaps this is part of the reason why Cloud always enjoyed writing home. It helps that he had someone so wise to write to, of course. It helps that he had anyone at all to write to. I can make no such claim and so I write to myself.

There is something vaguely pathetic about that.

-Sephiroth

--

15/04

1806:15

I am literally counting down the seconds. Will this rain never cease? If anything, it seems to have intensified. I do not think I am made for extended periods of inactivity. At least when I had paperwork to do I had something to think about, even if I couldn't be physically active.

Where is Cloud when I need him?

No knock at the door. I suppose I cannot expect him to be psychic all the time. I have been reduced to polishing Masamune to pass the time. I am greatly attached to this sword of mine, unwieldy great hunk of metal though it may be – but not to the extent of spending an entire day on it!

And yet, I know what will happen if I go downstairs. The inevitable hush, the stares and mutters. Disdain, awe, there is little difference between the two. I would rather boredom over inflicting that upon myself voluntarily.

I find myself wondering what exactly Doctor Hojo's notes contain. I know that he moved to Midgar only a few years after my birth, and he has often enough told me that he has been grooming me since birth, upon President Shinra's orders. Is it possible then, that I was born here in Nibelheim? Indeed, that there may be records of my birth, lost somewhere within his notes on his experiments? That, more than anything else, may be what drives me to search through all his notes.

If a person knows only their mother's name, does not know their father and is loved by none, does that person exist?

-Sephiroth

--

16/04

0200

I am crying.

It has been so long since I have done anything of the sort. I had almost forgotten what it was like.

I am crying now because of a dream I had. It sounds so infantile when I put it like that, and yet I cannot help myself.

The tears have more or less stopped now. I am alternately watching the clock and writing. There is not much to do now, and I cannot seem to get back to sleep.

I have never had a dream of this ilk before. Nightmares, of course, I know what people call them. But can it be a nightmare when it is something that could easily happen in real life? Perhaps it still is a nightmare even then, just a bad dream, right up until the moment it comes true and then it's just cruel reality and I cannot cry.

Is that why I am crying now?

I do not want to put Cloud in any sort of danger. But is that not what he signed up for when he joined the military? Who am I to try and protect him? I have no claim.

None, but I long for one.

-Sephiroth

--

16/04

0800

Still the rain.

I have not been to sleep since I last wrote. The sandman seems not to favour me this day.

I am my usual self now, or so I would hope. In a few moments, I think I shall head down to breakfast, which is served considerably later than what I am used to. I have waited even longer to let the masses clear out into the bar. Hopefully, when I go down, the dining area will be rather much emptier.

If not, a few well-placed glares should ensure at least a little privacy for my breakfast. Perhaps I can coax Zack into sitting with me a while.

-Sephiroth

--

16/04

2130

Some of the people here infuriate me. I knew that Cloud was not popular here, but I never expected such a degree of loathing as what I witnessed today.

That night in Midgar… I was on my way back to my quarters after a particularly gruelling session with Doctor Hojo. I was in quite some pain, and was almost upon the young man before I realised he was there. It was sheer instinct that made me hide my presence – I had no desire to speak to anyone.

He inadvertently revealed far more to me that night than I suppose he would ever have wanted to. I knew he was not well-liked at home, but after a time, I think I started chalking it up to his own inherent lack of self-esteem. It amazes me how he can constantly put himself and his skills down; how he himself is constantly amazed when he improves. He does not realise how skilled he is and most certainly does not realise how important he is to me.

Cloud is… a kind of precious gift, I think. I cannot be completely forsaken by the gods after all, if they have conspired to bring him into my life. He (despite what he might think) is intelligent, quick-witted and strong, physically and mentally. He seems to be lacking only in the emotional department, but that is something I cannot criticise him for without being a hypocrite.

In any case, coming here has opened my eyes to the fact that people can in fact not like him. I always knew it was possible, of course, especially after that incident, but it never fully registered with me. He always seemed resigned after that incident happened, but I did not think it was because he was used to it.

This time around, at least, they stopped short of physical violence. Cloud informed me that it was probably because of Zack's presence, rather than them actually thinking he could be on Soldier Third Class level. The general consensus amongst his greatest detractors, he says, is that he slept his way to his current position, and if that were the case, don't I think that he'd have asked to be Soldier First Class instead? I do not see how he can make a joke of this, but I suppose each person deals with such trials in different ways.

I personally would like to acquaint those brutes with Masamune. I shall, however, refrain, since Zack has been prohibited from going anywhere near them armed after he offered. I wish there was some way I could help along a few injuries without being personally involved. I know that Cloud is well-liked in his bunk, and the Soldiers Third Class have already begun to warm up to him. I think I must refrain from involving them, however. How then can I extract an appropriate revenge without it being known?

-Sephiroth

--

17/04

1900

Gloating is such an ugly thing to do, which explains why I waited till I gained the relative privacy of my room to do so.

The deed has been done, and it did not even require my interference. Those same boors who were insulting Cloud yesterday made the mistake of doing so once more – this time, within earshot of the two Soldiers Second Class we brought with us.

Needless to say, the latter two did not take well to their insulting Cloud, who has apparently become the baby of the Soldiers. Cloud's certainly the youngest Soldier by far, but we didn't think that would lead to just about all the Soldiers treating him like a younger brother. But with such treatment comes an inherent protectiveness, and therefore those young prats certainly received a rather harsh, painful lesson in manners.

Cloud had to pull Andrews and Michelson off them. I'm rather pleased with what happened. Naturally, the families of the louts complained, but I pointed out that there were a fair number of witnesses who agreed that the Soldiers were merely defending one of their own. That seemed to nip any more protests in the bud, but I nonetheless assured them that disciplinary action would be taken.

"Regardless of the outright hostility demonstrated towards one of our Soldiers, ShinRa does not allow its Soldiers to take matters into their own hands. Soldiers are expected to conduct themselves in a manner befitting their rank, and these two have flouted that. They will be punished appropriately, but I would like to request that you reign in those here who would attempt to hurt any of my men. Should the matter persist, I will be forced to step in personally," I believe is what I said. I do think the families got the point – and I may or may not have looked a little cold as I said that.

I believe Andrews and Michelson are a little alarmed at the prospect of what I will do to them. I have no intention of telling them that I'm not going to do anything at all. Let them stew for a while. I meant what I said, and Soldiers do have to live up to their image. While I am pleased that they took the initiative in defending Cloud's honour, I will not let their indiscretion while on duty slide.

So I suppose I will stop short of giving them a few days off, and instead, simply refrain from taking disciplinary action against them. But do you know – this saga and this anger I've felt towards those savages, have just about taken my mind off Doctor Hojo. It's the first time I've thought about him in two days. Remarkable, considering he is generally always in the back of my mind. Perhaps I am starting to break away from his hold?

-Sephiroth

--

17/04

2200

As the soldiers would say, I've jinxed myself. I find myself now thinking of Doctor Hojo, and how he raised me. As far as I can remember, Doctor Hojo has always been there, telling me that I will become the perfect Soldier. I remember the daily doses of injections and the pain they caused.

Even now, as I write this, I can see the needle-marks on my arm. If someone were to see me now, I am sure they would think I was addicted to drugs of some sort. My veins have been permanently disfigured by the sheer number of injections I have been subject to. The mako does not allow for injuries, and so I suffer no pain now. But I can still see the veins and the sickly shade of green they have been stained, standing stark on white skin.

I do not like looking at my arms. Zack has commented more than a few times on my propensity for long-sleeved shirts and coats, even on a hot day, even in our quarters. I will not tell him this one thing, though. I need some semblance of privacy, or I shall go mad.

Doctor Hojo certainly never gave me any. Everything about me was available for study. I should be thankful, I suppose, that he never viewed me in anything more than a purely scientific light. But I always hated the way he stripped me bare literally and figuratively. I always hated the way he needed to know every little thing I experienced. I hated the way he raised me to think nothing but the best of all of ShinRa, the way he always told me that I was nothing more than an excellent tool.

He told me once that my mother didn't know I existed. President ShinRa was there then, and he agreed, commenting idly that Jenova would not have wanted me to exist. Doctor Hojo laughed in that cruel fashion of his, and I am certain I missed something in that short byplay. But I played the good little puppet and kept my mouth shut even when the mako was burning in my veins.

I was told later on that Jenova was the name of my mother, but not to bother looking her up, for I would find no records. They were right. I wonder, though. Was my mother someone from the Slums? Perhaps someone who grew up on the streets? That would explain the lack of records. Am I the son of a prostitute, taken in because some cruel soul at ShinRa saw some invisible potential in me to become a good puppet?

I feel like a puppet controlling puppets. Is there such a thing as a puppet puppet-master? My poor Soldiers; if only they knew how I am told to view them.

I will not teach Cloud these things. I will teach him to value his men's lives. I will teach him to create strategies that protect his men and his city. I will teach him that people cannot be sacrificed easily, no matter what Shinra might say. And I will teach him to have the strength to back up these beliefs.

I would like to see my mother some day, and ask her why she abandoned me. Everything that Doctor Hojo has said leads me to believe she is still alive, and willingly gave me into ShinRa's ownership. I envy Cloud's relationship with his mother; they obviously care for each other and their love is quite apparent.

I wonder what it would have been like for me, growing up with the love of a mother? I used to want a mother with every fibre of my being. The vague, faceless creature of my dreams would be kind and good and gentle to me. But now… I do not think I could love my mother, after seeing how Cloud's mother treats him. I would be too resentful of what I have lost.

But can you lose something you never had? Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I would resent her for what she chose not to give to me.

Regardless of my feelings towards my mother, I now find myself wondering about my own origins. I cannot remember any life outside of ShinRa. I do know that Doctor Hojo mentioned someone named Gast on a few occasions, and not with any degree of fondness. Perhaps, rather than searching for Jenova, I should search for this Gast. If Doctor Hojo did not like him, it was probably because Gast knew something that he'd rather was kept private. Doctor Hojo is not the kind of person who cares what another thinks of him, and would not express such distaste for another without some similar reason.

When I return to Midgar, I shall search for any records of this mysterious Gast, then. Perhaps I will be able to uncover some of the mysteries surrounding my birth.

And as a note – the rain has become milder, and Zangan (who as it turns out is Tifa's martial arts teacher) says that the rain will stop fully by tomorrow. He is the local expert on the clime here, apparently, and the villagers all say we can trust his predictions. Zangan did add that the way up to the reactor is likely to be far more treacherous now. He also suggested that we leave Tifa behind this time around, since we were more or less familiar with the route.

I suppose he doesn't want to leave his prize pupil in a freak landslide, whereas it would be no skin of his back if Zack and I were to die. I don't think he's too fond of Soldiers, or ShinRa in general. I can't say I blame him.

-Sephiroth

--

18/04

2030

I am far too tempted to simply barricade myself in that room there and refuse to come out again until I understand exactly what Doctor Hojo was doing. I might have done so today, was more than willing to. The only reason I didn't was because it was Cloud on the other side of the door, pleading for me to come out and go back home.

How ironic that he calls it home, despite all this place has done to him. I asked him about it after dinner, and he replied that his home was where the people he cared about were. And so, he said, he had two homes; here in Nibelheim and one in Midgar, though the two seemed to have merged for now. That is an only slightly paraphrased quote, and the memory of the look on his face when he said that is burned into my head.

I think I worried Zack. I ought to apologise. He bothered to go down to the village to fetch Cloud. I don't even recall hearing him at the door.

I want to cry again. I've done it. I cried just two nights ago. The proof is here in this book. But I can't cry now, no matter how hard I try and bring myself to. I don't think I can feel anything now; I'm too confused. I expect I'll be furious later, when I have processed this.

Why would he do such a thing?

-Sephiroth

--

19/04

0015

I cannot sleep. What I discovered is imprinted in my brain, blazing far too brightly for me to sleep. They are words I do not think I will ever forget.

To pass the time, I shall reproduce some of what I discovered here, in the hopes of explaining my current state. I quote directly from the notes I found:

"Subject L has undergone severe weight loss, perhaps due to the phenomenal growth of the foetus. In two weeks it has reached the size that a normal baby would take a month to achieve.

Carrying the test is proving to be a strain on Subject L. She has been placed under intense surveillance and is being monitored for any changes – I am keeping an eye particularly on her heart rate and blood pressure. At this point in time, I do not foresee any complications, but as Subject L nears the end of her term, problems may arise with the foetus. If Subject L's life is placed in danger, I will be forced to kill the foetus."

I suspected upon reading that much, that that particular record was not kept by Doctor Hojo. True enough, the signature at the end of the report was that of one Professor Gast. And so the elusive Gast makes another appearance. At some point, I believe he abandoned this experiment with Subject L, at which moment Doctor Hojo took over.

The problem is that I think that the foetus in question is me. The Jenova Project was mentioned a few times. I do not believe it a coincidence that this project shares a name with my mother.

Further reading seemed to confirm the idea, though I have found nothing concrete as of yet. I must return there as soon as possible tomorrow, and continue my research. Zack tells me that there is something infinitely strange with the readings he's getting from the storage facilities, but there is no time to be bothered with that myself. I must simply trust that he can handle it on his own.

-Sephiroth

--

19/04

0350

I am leaving now. I simply cannot wait any longer. The desire to know the truth is burning at me; the knowledge that I might, here, find out something to do with my origin. I hesitate now to say that I was born, because I do not believe my creation to be something so simple. I want to find out exactly what manner of creature I am.

I have a tape recorder with me, to play back the undamaged tapes I've found. I will take this journal with me today as well, and record as faithfully as possible my findings. Perhaps chronicling them here will help me sort them out better.

-Sephiroth

--

19/04

1300

I struck him.

Without holding back in the slightest, I backhanded him across the face. There is already a huge bruise on his cheek, and we have no Materia on us for me to heal him.

What kind of monster have I turned into? Am I so focused on finding out what I am that I have turned into someone who could strike him?

He does not seem to care. I threw him halfway across my room, slammed him into the wall hard enough for the picture on it to fall off. And he simply got up after a moment, smiled at me dazedly, and repeated that he was coming with me.

I would say that he was insane, except that I know I am the insane one now.

-Sephiroth

--

How you can bother with dates and times I don't know. Is that your way of trying to force some semblance of order on your life? Or normality, maybe?

I don't hate you, Sephiroth; quite the contrary. I'm not exactly great with saying things like this in real life, you know that. I'm awkward and I say things I didn't plan on saying, and forget half of what I wanted to. Being social has never been my greatest skill, but this isn't about me.

You were upset by something, I know that much. Zack and I could tell you were furious about something or other, and I figured it was something that you'd found in that room. You scared Zack out of his mind, you know. He told me that he was banging on the door for a full hour and you never acknowledged him once. He acted calm when he came down to get me, so as not to worry anyone. But it took me almost as long as he did to get your attention, and then all you said was for us to leave. It was half an hour more before you came out of the room, and you looked so terrifyingly furious then.

We're worried for you, Sephiroth, hard as it may be for you to believe that. Maybe you don't want people to worry about you; maybe that's a liability with your position. But I think it's nice to have someone care about you, don't you? It's nice to be fussed over once in a while.

Evidently I make up for my lack of conversation skills by rambling too much on paper. Hope I get this done before you get back here and see what I'm doing, anyway. Oh, don't worry – I didn't read anything you wrote here, except the entry just before this. It was a bit hard to miss that, since it was open to that page and lying here on the table. Come to think of it, did you do that deliberately? Sometimes I think you have as hard a time with words as I do. Saying them out loud, at any rate, seems to be beyond me most of the time.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that it was obvious that whatever upset you, you found in this room. It was equally obvious to me that you wouldn't be able to get any sort of rest, and that you'd probably try to leave before Zack got up. I wasn't expecting you to leave so very early, but at least I caught you in time. I didn't want you to have to face this alone again. I don't know about you, but it makes me feel better to have someone I like with me when I'm going through something hard.

Well, I hope you like me, at any rate. I know I care about you.

I must say, given what we've found so far, I can sort of understand why you reacted the way you did. But you know, in your last entry there? You wrote that you're focused on finding out "what" you are. You're not a "what," Sephiroth. You're a "who." Whatever the experiments they conducted on you, you're still a person. You're still you, in your own right. You have human emotions, even if your body's been programmed to surpass human limits.

Maybe I'm reading too much into that, but I always thought that bothered you. Being constantly better than everyone at everything, I mean. Does it? Oh, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I'm not sure how you would, at any rate, unless you want to keep swapping this journal back and forth. And if you didn't, in fact, mean for me to find this, I'm sorry. But do take what I'm writing here into account, okay?

See, to put it nice and plain and simple? I care about you a great deal, more than just about anyone else. You asked me something earlier, right? "If a person knows only their mother's name, does not know their father and is loved by none, does that person exist?" I don't know, but it isn't applicable to you anyway, since the last part doesn't fit. Get that through your thick skull, General sir, or I will do it for you.

Cloud

--

"-ink you could – oh, I think it's on now."

"And it only took a few hours."

"Oh, be quiet. This thing's newer than any model I've seen before. And anyway you're the one who refused to use it and made me figure it out."

"Shall we proceed with the notes then?"

"You're just ignoring what I said – oh, never mind. How formal is this? Any format you want to stick to or anything?"

"Perhaps a slightly more informal way of looking at this might help. I… feel that perhaps I am taking this more seriously than I ought to?"

"Was that a question or a statement?"

"I'm not entirely sure."

"Statement, then. Er, you are, rather. I mean, I know you want to find out where you came from. But, I don't know… isn't finding out where you're going more important than that? There's that quote, uh, "Forget your past to create your future," or something like that."

"You made that up on the spot, didn't you?"

"No, really! I read it somewhere. Of course, I'm paraphrasing it a bit, but you get the idea."

"Indeed. So what have we found here then?"

"That there's something called the Jenova Project which you were apparently the subject of."

"Headed first by one Professor Gast and later taken over by Doctor Hojo."

"He's scary. Scared me the very first time I saw him."

"Did he?"

"Yeah, and all he was doing was walking down a corridor. I couldn't stand him at all. Ask mother, I know I wrote about it to her."

"I would rather refrain from having any conversations with your mother, Cloud."

"Why, what's wrong with her?"

"Nothing is wrong with her."

"Then… oh, forget it. So the idea behind this project, as far as we can tell from these crazy notes, was to inject Jenova cells into a foetus, right? And that foetus would absorb the cells and grow into… well, you, essentially. So what's this Jenova thing exactly? You were researching that, right?"

"As far as I can tell, Professor Gast believes it to be one of the Cetra. I read that much yesterday. I noticed a few hours ago, though, that he says it's only conjecture. He only mentioned it once; it would have been easy to miss, especially in the mood I was in yesterday. She intimidates me."

"Who, what? Wait, my mother?

"… Why on earth would my mother intimidate you?"

"Don't ask."

"But I'm curious now! You can't do this to me, you prat."

"Did you just call me a prat?"

"Well. Yes. Uh. Sorry?"

"Find another word to insult me with, Cloud. I think I referred to those animals who insulted you as prats once. I'd rather not be lumped in with them."

"But you just called them animals. And wait, when did you call them prats?"

"In the journal. I was trying to find as many words to describe them as I could."

"Oh, do tell."

"Well, I cannot remember off-hand what I've used. But I could say that they're brutes, prats, boors, louts, thugs, hooligans, oafs and many other such flattering terms. Stop laughing, Cloud."

"Yes, sir! You've just made my day, you know that?"

"After what I –"

"Don't even complete that sentence. I told you it's not your fault."

"Cloud…"

"… Oh. Sorry! I didn't realise I was so close. Er. Where were we?"

"The Jenova Project. Gast believed Jenova to be one of the Cetra. Cloud, you're blushing."

"Well, give me a few minutes and I'll stop. Shut it and pass me those notes."

"… You're still blushing."

"You're impossible."

"I do try."

"Um, Sephiroth?"

"Just trying to see better. You're hogging the notes a bit."

"Randomly, you know, your hair's really soft."

"It's always been that way. Maybe it's the mako."

"Oh yeah, I can see that. Advertisements plastered all over town – "Silky smooth in just one treatment! Even General Sephiroth uses it! Come get your mako shampoo today!" And they'd have a blown-up poster of you with suds in your hair and half-naked."

"I didn't need that mental image, Cloud."

"You'd rather I described the mako soap ad? They'd have you completely naked in that one."

"Assuming I didn't cut their heads off."

"Well, there is that. Rather efficient deterrent to taking a good photo, I suppose. And even if you did, the photographers would be too busy drooling to actually take photos."

"Cloud."

"Right, work. This says here that Jenova's believed to have certain powers that enabled her to communicate with the Lifestream – oh, and now we know why ShinRa's involved."

"We do indeed."

"Anything that involves the Lifestream they just go ahead and –"

"You should probably stop there, Cloud."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologise to me, of all people. Look at this part."

"Oh… they were trying to create another Cetra. I guess that's what you are then?"

"Assuming Jenova is a Cetra."

"Okay, we really need to find out what a Cetra is in the first place."

"This must be why they told me my mother's name was Jenova, I suppose."

"Is that what they said?"

"Mm. It's all I knew of her. Except she's not really a "her," is she?"

"I don't know if it's a she, he or it, but Gast refers to Jenova as female a few times. Might as well stick to that. You know, it says here that Jenova was kept in storage somewhere in this mako reactor. If they didn't move it –"

"Might explain the strange readings that Zack's been getting from Sector S2. That's where excess mako is generally stored."

"She might be there."

"Let her stay there. I don't have any need for such a mother."

"Mm, don't move now, I was just getting comfortable."

"I'm not a pillow, Cloud."

"You're comfortable enough. Just let me borrow your shoulder."

"Tired?"

"A little."

"You shouldn't have come with me."

"Let's not get into this again."

"As you wish. Thank you, Cloud. Wait, is that thing still on?"

"I think it is. Hey, I have proof of you being nice now! On tape! And I – ack, Sephiroth, where're you – no, don't you dare erase tha–"

--

19/04

2000

I must admit to a rather interesting day today. I transcribed our tape as best as I could, and stuck to the original speech despite everything. I feel rather more light-hearted now than I have been in a long time. Cloud is either a very good or a very bad influence on me. I'm leaning towards the former.

I could easily love him, I think.

-Sephiroth

--

20/04

2030

Cloud offered once more to help me with my personal research, but I decided that I have neglected Zack quite enough. I helped him with his checks today, and he's explained the anomalies he's found to me. I was able to see Jenova today, when we entered the storage facilities. There's a huge plaque on this one canister with her name on it. It's funny how little I feel now, thinking of her. I used to want a mother so badly, but I find myself not even thinking of her as one.

We've rectified the anomalies, at any rate. There are only two more checks to be run, and then we'll technically be able to leave. I might have them stay here a day more, perhaps. I need the vacation, as much as I hate abusing my power. And I don't particularly want to see Doctor Hojo again. I expect the first thing he'll do is give me a mako injection. I wonder if those injections were designed to prolong the effects of what he did to me before. It's a possibility, I suppose.

I did apologise to Zack, and he's assured me that I wasn't at fault. Everyone seems insistent on that. Even Mrs Strife didn't think it was my fault. Earlier, I went down and apologised to her for striking Cloud – I don't think he told her who'd hit him. She looked surprised that it was me; maybe she'd expected one of those braggarts from before to have gotten in a lucky strike or something. Heaven knows they'd stand no chance in a fair fight, or even a dirty fight.

All she asked me was if I'd apologised to Cloud. I told her that I had, and that he rather wanted me to shut up about it, at which she laughed and said that Cloud was just that kind of person. He knew when an apology was warranted, but once he got it, he didn't want to dwell on it. I suppose I have noticed that about him, when others apologised to him for various things; I've just never been the one to apologise before. And certainly never for violence directed towards him.

I still feel guilty about what I did, but I cannot think of any ways to make amends. Mrs Strife assures me that there is no need to, but I would still like to do something for him. Perhaps a gift of some sort, when we get back to Midgar. I thought I had better control of myself; evidently I don't.

Despite everything, I suppose Cloud and I must do more research tomorrow. I'm curious as to what this "Cetra" that was mentioned is.

-Sephiroth

--

"So we're doing this again, evidently, despite the last time not being very coherent."

"It was fun enough. It's on now, by the way."

"So I gathered. Would you like to begin this then?"

"If you insist, sir. We should probably sum up what we've found out about the Cetra today, right? And mother's making beef stew for dinner, so let's not be late."

"If you insist, sir. The Ce –"

"Now you're just throwing my words back at me."

"Not at all."

"You know how weird it is for you to call me sir?"

"I should take it that you've never thought of that then?"

"Sephiroth, there isn't any position higher than yours."

"I didn't mean in the military, Cloud."

"What – you know what, we're not going there. The Cetra, as far as we can tell, are people who used to live a couple of thousand years ago. They adhered to a particular lifestyle and were particularly attuned to the Lifestream and were able to guide its flow in some instances. Um, they went extinct some two thousand years back because of uh, a "calamity from the skies," whatever that is. It says here that the humans betrayed the Cetra by not offering aid. And um, evidently ShinRa has some sort of interest in the Cetra. Not surprising, since they're supposed to be able to control the Lifestream, and ShinRa's obviously concerned with the use of the Lifestream. Uh, I think… mm… that's it, is it?"

"I believe you've about summed it up, sir."

"Sephiroth!"

"Yes?"

"You're impossible!"

"So you've told me. You were rambling, you know."

"Shut up."

"And now you're blushing."

"Are you just listing what I'm doing for the tape recorder?"

"For posterity's sake, of course."

"You are cruel to me, Sephiroth."

"Oh no, the sad eyes are cheating!"

"You don't care about me, do you?"

"That… is not fair. A male your age should not be able to pull off that look, dammit."

"Uh, Sephiroth? Cloud?"

"Zack! Hi!"

"Am I… interrupting anything?"

"A brilliantly detailed analysis of the Cetra and me getting the upper-hand over Sephiroth, but nothing much else."

"You forgot that other thing, sir.'"

"Shut it, Sephiroth."

"Yes, sir."

"You know, I don't think I'm even gonna ask. I've finished the checks, Sephiroth. Now we know what's back there, I've managed to compensate for all the anomalies. Everything's running fine. Well, except for those things back in storage. Damn, those were freaky."

"What were they like?"

"Let's just say I didn't sleep well last night, yeah?"

"That bad?"

"He's exaggerating."

"Oh! Nice to see you've finally found each other!"

"What are you talking about, Zack?"

"Er, in case you hadn't noticed, Sephiroth? You're holding Cloud's hand… okay, so now you're not. You really ought to, y'know."

"Out, Zack."

"Heh. See you later, kid!"

"Out!"

"What… was he talking about?"

"Nothing of importance."

"It was."

"Not at all. Would you gather up those notes? I think we're done here for today."

"I'll find out sooner or later, you know."

"Later rather than sooner, then. Shut off that tape, will you?"

"You only do this so you can play back our conversations when you're bored, right?"

"Ah, so you've seen through me, have you?"

--

"Cloud is not here now, so perhaps I will be able to get more done than we usually do. We discovered yesterday that the humans of two thousand years ago betrayed the Cetra and abandoned them to their fate, allowing them to be destroyed by the "calamity from the skies." It is rather unclear at the moment as to what this calamity refers to. It appears that most, if not all of the Cetra, were killed by this incident.

"I suppose as one of these supposed Cetra, I should be rather resentful about the humans abandoning my race. Since Cloud is one of said humans, however, I find I cannot. It is rather alarming how my world seems to revolve arou –"

"I brought lunch! Oh, back to the tape recorder, are we?"

"Y-es."

"You okay? Did I actually manage to startle you?"

"Think what you will, Cloud."

"If you insist! Found out anything?"

"Not much new. I think the old me wouldn't have handled just this much well."

"As opposed to the new you, who…?"

"Has you by his side."

"… Ah."

"I don't think I'd be as stable now if I didn't know you, Cloud. And that's saying something, considering my current state."

"Not very stable?"

"Not entirely, no. You seem to alleviate some of that, though."

"Some of what?"

"Longing? I'm not sure."

"We seem to be having awfully serious conversations lately."

"Maybe we're just awfully serious people."

"Zack won't hang out with us anymore then."

"And yet he still does. There must be hope for us yet."

"Or trauma. This is Zack we're talking about."

"Cloud? I have a bit of an odd request."

"Go ahead and request. I'm allowed to turn you down, right?"

"Of course. Would you hold me?"

"Well, that is odd, yes. But not something I'm inclined to turn down. This okay?"

"It's fine."

"You've never had anyone do this, right?"

"Be physically close to me? Show any sort of affection? No. Or not before the first time you hugged me, at any rate."

"I really don't like Doctor Hojo."

"President Shinra was the one who ordered him to keep me isolated."

"Doctor Hojo was the one who carried it out. I bet he was only too happy to. Shinra's – no wait, I shouldn't be saying this."

"Cloud."

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Let's amend that to, "thank you, but don't mess up the hair.""

"Fussy. Your hair's so soft."

"We've been through this, mako shampoo ads and all."

"Well, if my hair mysteriously starts getting softer after I get my first injections, we'll know for sure."

"I wish you didn't have to. It's not a pleasant experience, especially if you're sensitive."

"The prelim exams said I am. I'm not exactly looking forward to them."

"If there was some way to get Doctor Hojo out –"

"Sephiroth."

"I ought to stop there, then."

"Not that I don't agree."

"Want to explore this mansion a little more, Cloud?"

"Well, that came out of nowhere."

"I'm tired of just sitting here all the time. And I'm sick of reading about the Cetra and about Jenova and about me, except I'm Specimen S on these papers."

"That part's rather annoying, yes. I think they only mentioned you by name once."

"That I've come across, anyway. Up for some exploration?"

"That would involve moving."

"And untangling your fingers from my hair, yes."

"Mother said you apologised to her."

"… Ah."

"You need to let it go, Seraph."

"Seraph?"

"It fits you. Unless you'd rather I call you Angel, which is what next comes to mind."

"Seraph is fine."

"I thought it would be. Don't try and change the topic. You need to let go of it. Zack managed to find a Healing Materia anyway, so I'm fine now."

"That's not the point."

"So then what is?"

"That I hit you!"

"You were frustrated and scared and angry! I can understand why you did it. You shouldn't have, but the important thing is that you apologised immediately, that you helped me up and put some cream on for me and everything. It'd only have been wrong if you'd liked hitting me, or if you'd kept on with it. But you realised it was wrong straight away, and that makes it okay."

"No. No, it doesn't. It can't possibly be okay that I hurt you, Cloud."

"Why not? I'm not hurt anymore. I'm tougher than that, Sephiroth."

"Any harder and you'd have had a concussion!"

"Why are you so worried about me? Don't you think I can take care of myself? Or what, you think I'm just a weakling?"

"Of course you're not, but I can't help worrying about someone I love!"

"… You finally said it."

"… I didn't intend to."

"Well, don't you dare take it back."

"Cloud, I –"

"Is that tape recorder still on?"

"… Shit!"

--

22/04

2100

I feel utterly humiliated, and yet oddly exhilarated. I didn't even realise at the time that Cloud was wonderfully manipulating me into admitting I love him. He ought to become a politician; perhaps he can replace President Shinra one day. That would be a good day for all of us.

Cloud told me that he was informing his mother. I dread her reaction. And yet, stepping back, it is almost amusing how terrified the great General Sephiroth is at the thought of meeting an elderly woman.

Zack is busy laughing at me because I told him that. He's been forced to sit in the corner of the room while I write this, but that doesn't stop him smirking at me.

Earlier, I transcribed our conversation, despite still being rather embarrassed by it. I'm certainly going to be keeping a copy in my quarters; of the tape and transcript. If nothing else, it proves I'm fully capable of human emotions. It proves I'm human, and it proves I love Cloud and that he loves me, which is a better balm to my wounded pride than anything else.

Cloud did kiss me once before we left the mansion. I'm rather looking forward to the next time, and sincerely hoping he's never practised on anyone else before. I'd like not to be the inexperienced one in this – but it involves feelings, so of course I am. I shall simply have to muddle along somehow. It's a rather delightful feeling, not knowing what's going to come next. And knowing it's Cloud that this is happening with just makes it all the sweeter.

Zack informs me I'm smiling to myself. No matter. I'm happy enough to let some emotion spill out, I suppose. I'll have to get myself under control before we return to Midgar – which happens tomorrow. I'd have liked to stay longer, but I can't justify any more delays.

Now, I will excuse myself so that I can go kick my errant second-in-command.

-Sephiroth

--

23/04

1730

And a last extra note here, because I must. Mrs Strife accosted me early this morning and dragged me off to a quiet corner, where she proceeded to inform me that nothing could make her happier, as long as I treat her son with grave respect and provide him with the love he clearly deserves and use protection. At which, I'll confess, I gaped rather ungracefully at her; I hadn't even thought that far. I knew there was a reason she struck me as a formidable person.

It seems she's unofficially adopted me into the family. If there's anyone I could ever have for a mother – she would be that person. It's nice to have a mother at last, and even better to have Cloud.

-Sephiroth

_-tsuzuku_

_Constructive criticism is very much desired. It's supremely hard to get into Sephiroth's mind, he's such a… seme. The only thing that enabled me to was the fact that he's an angsty seme. I'm not entirely looking forward to the next part, it'll be even harder to write. Meh._


End file.
